Living in the now, not the to come

I had some kind of prophetic revelation which pushed me back into realizing I have to live life for today. Not for what is to come, all the promises of my future, but right now.

“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” Proverbs 29:25

It is time for me to give up my husband and start living my life as me. As a single woman of God who loves the Lord her God with all her heart and loves her neighbors, kids, family, friends, church, and community as herself. I have to give up the fear of man. I want him still, but he is gone. This is all part of Gods plan. It’s okay! It’s good! It will be for the best and it is part of His plan!

“But even if you suffer for doing what is right, God will reward you for it. So don’t worry or be afraid of their threats.” 1 Peter 3:14

It has been my fear. The pain. I’ve already suffered so much of it and even in losing this man, still I suffer. But I don’t have to be afraid. Even if he gets remarried and has more kids and a new family. God has a plan and it is all going to lead to good for me. I won’t be afraid. God has a reward for me.

Lord use me. Whatever you have for me to do, ask me and I will. You have already asked me to do hard and painful things and you have seen my faithfulness. So if you want me right now, ask me again. Anything you need from me Lord, I am yours. God, I am human. I want happiness. I have desires. I have lots of things I wish you would just snap your fingers and do for me, but Lord I give up my plans, my dreams, and my future. Instead, I am putting my trust in you. Whatever your plans are, Lord I know they are better than mine and I know that you have the power to accomplish them Lord, so I give up. You take over and do what you need to do to make Your plans happen. I’m gonna sit back and let you have control of this life and if you need me to do something, let me know and I’ll do it. I am yours Lord. I trust you. Have your way in me.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34

“Humble yourselves, then, under God’s mighty hand, so that he will lift you up in his own good time. Leave all your worries with him, because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:6-7

“The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.” Psalm 34:7

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”…He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you…For he will command his angels concerning you, to guard you in all your ways…“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him…” from Psalm 91:1-16

Lord, I don’t have to have all the answers right now. I’m just going to pursue the One who does.

The Fear of the Lord

Luke 10:27

He answered, “‘Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'”

When Jesus was questioned about the most important commandment, he covered the whole circumference of all Gods commands with these two commands.

Love the Lord. The Bible talks about this as a “Fear of the Lord”. Levi Lusko describes the fear of the Lord as a “reverential awe”. To look up at how big God truly is. The One Holy God who created everything we see and everything we don’t. Who does not exist in the constraints of time. Who can not be stopped. Who can snap his fingers and fix the world instantly. Every single problem you have ever faced.

Luke 12:25-26 says “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? 26Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?”

Hold on and step back for a moment and just recognize what that verse is saying. Who can add 1 hour to their life? No one! But for God, this is a “very little thing”. That is crazy! Imagine how huge and great our God must be that this for Him is just a small little task to be accomplished? All the power that our Mighty God has. When you can step back and just recognize how amazing, how powerful, how good and strong and wonderful our God is. It will produce a fear of the Lord. It will produce a reverential awe. And the fact that we get to spend time with this God every day. He loves us, as huge as He is and as small and insignificant as we are. He loves us still! It makes you feel so honored to be able to spend time with him. It’s better than hanging out with a celebrity. This is the God who created the whole universe! And He wants to spend time with you! Wow!

Once you start realizing how amazing the Lord is and pouring yourself into loving him, the reaction will be to share the flame with your neighbors. To love your neighbors as yourself. Because the Lord loves them too and He “overflows your cup”. You shouldn’t want to let that just pour out on the ground. You will want to share it with others. To jump into community and enjoy the Lord with those you love. It fills me with so much joy to spend time with my kids, with my family, my friends, my church, my community. To love the Lord with the people I love. To enjoy their presence. Making Christmas cookies, going trick or treating with the kids, taking a hike with a church small group, calling up a friend to see how their day is going, riding in the car with your mom through the McDonalds drive thru. Yes, when you love the Lord, it just naturally pours out of you into the people that you love. And it fills you with such joy and peace.

Fix my eyes on You

Isaiah 43:18-19

18“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
19See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.

Even where my mind is. Even where my quiet thoughts wander too. Even that is toiling and distrust. How can I claim to trust the Lord with my burden when my secret mind searches for the answer? When I try to see how your plan is going to play out. Lord, you are doing something new. You are making streams in the desert. You are creating a way where there is no way. Help me to shut my eyes and take your hand. Help me to walk blindly, trusting you for every step that my foot takes. Knowing in my heart that you will do what you have said you will do and not by any actions or thoughts of my own, but by your infinite power.

Lord help me. Every time he comes to my mind, help me to forget him, release him, and give it to you. You have complete control of this. I trust you. No more toiling. This is your problem Lord and you can and you want to and will take care of it. It is covered.

Psalm 119:36-40

36Turn my heart toward your statutes
and not toward selfish gain.
37Turn my eyes away from worthless things;
preserve my life according to your word.
38Fulfill your promise to your servant,
so that you may be feared.
39Take away the disgrace I dread,
for your laws are good.
40How I long for your precepts!
In your righteousness preserve my life.

Sacred scars and Standing daily

I heard a pastor once call these “sacred scars”. Wounds that life has inflicted, that hurt like hell when you’re going through them. But looking back, after the pain has subsided, you wouldn’t go back and change things. The scars that make you who you are.

Jon Chasteen at victory church in Oklahoma City talks about these scars too. Scars that show a covenant relationship. That tell people who see you “You mess with me and you mess with the person I am in covenant with. I am stronger than you think I am.”

Levi Lusko talks about this in his book “Through the eyes of a Lion”. This pain I am going through hurts. It’s very painful, but the way to get through is to not fear it. Go toward, into, and through the pain. It’s either going to kill you or make you stronger. Those are the only options.

Some days are so easy. That peace just flows naturally. It’s literally like a waterfall pouring over me so that I can’t even see my troubles if I squinted and looked all day for them. Others day though, it’s like wandering in a desert searching for any dirty puddle for sustenance. Those days, Lord Jesus give me focus. Help me to remember my covenant to you. Help me see the truth, that my eyes are unfocused and you are still with me.

Philippians 4:4-9 says

4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

So what do I do when today is painful and hard? Rejoice in the Lord. When I don’t feel like the Lord is near, He is! Go to Him. He is not far from any of us. Go with prayer, with petition, with thanksgiving. His peace comes when we open our eyes and recognize Him right with us. And He guards us. Lord, help me to focus on the good things in this life and let go of the misery. In this middle, on those horrible days, it is very hard to do. Remind me of who you are and who I am on those days. Who you see me as.

“You stormed right in and You tore apart the lies. You told me I had something beautiful inside. You brought to life a part of me I thought had died and then I saw me. I saw me through your eyes.” -Britt Nicole / Saw me through your eyes

Chase God, not him. Lord help me.

 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=e2fE9E_G2Zo

 

WOW God thanks for the conviction! Lol

So I had a mental breakthrough last night that I have to admit, I have had before, but this time I am writing it down so that when I forget and start to drift, I can come back and remember again.

Just a side note to my brothers and sisters. Do yourselves a favor and write things down! Get a prayer journal or take notes on your phone (that’s what I like to do), so that even if something means nothing to you now, when the storm comes you will be prepared and have something to reference back to and it will mean something to you then!

Anyways, my breakthrough. I can not believe myself sometimes. I am convinced beyond any doubt that I am not still idolizing my ex husband and focusing on him. For sure, because I mean I haven’t talked to him in a week and when we talk it’s just logistics of the divorce. How can I possibly still be focused on him? Not even realizing that still, my goal has been Gods promise for a future instead of it being God! Girl snap out of it! I need to focus here and move forward. My life right now looks like this – Christian woman, single, mom of 2, business owner. I have to live that life, not the future life! Maybe God made me a promise. Maybe I am anxious and anticipating it. But that is what got me in this mess from the start – idolizing the marriage instead of worshiping the Lord.

Isaiah 44:16-23 talks about a carpenter who chops down a tree to make an idol.

16 Half of the wood he burns in the fire;
over it he prepares his meal,
he roasts his meat and eats his fill.
He also warms himself and says,
“Ah! I am warm; I see the fire.”
17 From the rest he makes a god, his idol;
he bows down to it and worships.
He prays to it and says,
“Save me! You are my god!”
18 They know nothing, they understand nothing;
their eyes are plastered over so they cannot see,
and their minds closed so they cannot understand.
19 No one stops to think,
no one has the knowledge or understanding to say,
“Half of it I used for fuel;
I even baked bread over its coals,
I roasted meat and I ate.
Shall I make a detestable thing from what is left?
Shall I bow down to a block of wood?”
20 Such a person feeds on ashes; a deluded heart misleads him;
he cannot save himself, or say,
“Is not this thing in my right hand a lie?”
21 “Remember these things, Jacob,
for you, Israel, are my servant.
I have made you, you are my servant;
Israel, I will not forget you.
22 I have swept away your offenses like a cloud,
your sins like the morning mist.
Return to me,
for I have redeemed you.”

I know this example seems foolish to us in this culture. Who bows down to a block of wood that they made with their own hands? Seriously? I mean who would do that? So why does it seem less foolish then when we need a newer nicer car? I mean, someone made that right?! Or you need the newest phone, a better career, the prettier nicer wife…you’re starting to get it right? I’m not saying that things in this world are not great. God made all things and all things can be good, but when you worship those things over and above God, they become an idol. Yep, even a promise can be an idol. Even a marriage.

God I don’t want this anymore. Take this burden off of me. Jesus help me please to live every day for you, because I love you and want to honor and glorify you. Help me move past the loss of the old life and the old dreams and embrace my current situation. Not just embrace it, but be content and find joy in it. To live out who I am and be honoring and glorifying to you. And to love and enjoy your presence. You are more than enough Lord.

Marriage is not supposed to be about what he can do for me or what I can do for him. It’s supposed to be about what I can do to glorify God. And for that matter, my current singleness is also about what I can do to glorify God. Put your desires for marriage and restoration on the back burner. It’s not a bad thing to want a marriage, but it is when it consumes. The best thing is to want to exalt and glorify God in all things that I do. It’s not about me. It’s about God!

Stubborn Israel

“Listen to this, you descendants of Jacob,
you who are called by the name of Israel
and come from the line of Judah,
you who take oaths in the name of the Lord
and invoke the God of Israel—
but not in truth or righteousness—
2 you who call yourselves citizens of the holy city
and claim to rely on the God of Israel—
the Lord Almighty is his name:
3 I foretold the former things long ago,
my mouth announced them and I made them known;
then suddenly I acted, and they came to pass.
4 For I knew how stubborn you were;
your neck muscles were iron,
your forehead was bronze.
5 Therefore I told you these things long ago;
before they happened I announced them to you
so that you could not say,
‘My images brought them about;
my wooden image and metal god ordained them.’
6 You have heard these things; look at them all.
Will you not admit them?

“From now on I will tell you of new things,
of hidden things unknown to you.
7 They are created now, and not long ago;
you have not heard of them before today.
So you cannot say,
‘Yes, I knew of them.’
8 You have neither heard nor understood;
from of old your ears have not been open.
Well do I know how treacherous you are;
you were called a rebel from birth.
9 For my own name’s sake I delay my wrath;
for the sake of my praise I hold it back from you,
so as not to destroy you completely.
10 See, I have refined you, though not as silver;
I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.
11 For my own sake, for my own sake, I do this.
How can I let myself be defamed?
I will not yield my glory to another.”

Lord, thank you. Thank you so much for this. I continue thinking that somehow I knew and understood your promises, because you told them to me and that somehow that made me strong. But Lord, you told me these things so that you can be glorified in all of this. Not so that I can be glorified. Forgive me Lord, for my stubbornness, I don’t want to steal your glory. You alone can save. You alone can save.

Lord, and even despite my foolishness, you are so good. You are so forgiving. You are making a way. Help me to rest Lord. Help me to stop toiling and to sit back and enjoy this race marked out for me. I don’t want to keep trying and thinking and praying that somehow I can fix this. Lord, I can’t fix this. But I can enjoy the season you have put me in. I can spend time with you, with my kids, with myself. I can do the things I love to do. Read, write, play with my kids, ride my bike, enjoy a sermon, spend time in the sun, spend time in the rain. There is so much ahead of me each day and I don’t have to spend each day wondering what I am doing wrong or right and how I am effecting the way the wind blows or if anything I am doing even matters. No, the truth is that right now it doesn’t. As long as I am with you Lord, I am doing the only thing that matters. Spending time in your presence. And I don’t want to miss out on even one moment of that. Lord, help me to give credit where credit is due. All to you, all to you, I owe everything. “The Lord has redeemed his servant Jacob.” Isaiah 48:20b

When I don’t trust him

8 1/2 years of this and I finally understand. Lord, please don’t let it take my brothers or sisters that long.

The first time I caught him cheating was completely a fluke. I got on his phone to check the time and found messages I wish I hadn’t seen. Photos. Sexting. It made me light headed. How could this happen?!

Jeremiah 7:8

But look, you are trusting in deceptive words that are worthless.

My trust for him was shattered, so you know what I did? I watched him. Like a hawk. I stalked his phone whenever I could. I made boundaries for what I would let slide and what was not acceptable. And he consistently pushed and broke the boundaries for 8 years. And I kept trying, kept forgiving, kept being the best wife I could be. Loving even when I wasn’t being loved.

I mean, it seems so obvious to say this to someone who has never been through it, but for those of you Christian women like me who are going through this, let me say it anyways. It is NOT your job to watch him or to set up boundaries for him! Oh my gosh, if I could have figured that out 8 years ago, the places I would be now!

So why should you not set the boundaries? Plain and simple, you are not God. God already gave us a guide on what is right and what is wrong. It’s called the Bible and I would highly recommend it to anyone! Check it out and you will see – adultery (even wanting a woman in your heart) is a sin! That means pornography. That means for some people kissing (if it leads to lusting). Going to strip clubs…guess what. It’s lust! It’s a sin! You are not your mans conscience! It is not your job to set the boundaries, because Christ already established the boundaries of what is acceptable!

And now, why should you not watch him? Again, it’s not your job! We all stand alone before God, accountable for our own sins. Not the sins of our spouse. If you are having to play conscience for him, you are doing him no favors. In fact, you’re probably harming him if I am going to be blunt, because he has no accountability for himself. Each man or woman must be responsible for self. He must have self control. It’s like a person who struggles with overeating who eats small amounts of food in front of others and sneaks food when no one is looking. Your body is going to suffer from that, whether you did it in private or in public. Just because your husband didn’t see you eat it, doesn’t mean your body won’t digest it. It is great to have someone to be accountable to and certainly, if your spouse asks you to be that accountability person for them, you can be. But they have to be self disciplined and self controlled enough to be on good behavior, whether they are with you or not. This isn’t something you are in control of and it is certainly not something you should be responsible for! What your spouse does in privacy is their issue and if it is something that is going to lead to sin and death, they bring that on their own heads.

Matthew 12:33-37

“Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit. You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.”

So what can you do then if you find yourself in this same place? Pray for strength for yourself. And pray for strength for your spouse to overcome their addictions. Encourage your spouse, if they are willing, to seek a counselor or join an addiction group. Encourage them with the word. Build them up. If they do openly admit a fault without being prompted to do so, forgive them and pray with them. Be a loving, respectful, and encouraging wife. Remember to repay evil with blessing. But if (as is my case) your spouse shows no remorse or regret, receives conviction as condemnation, and shows no desire to change, you need to put your foot down. Consequences are necessary. In my case, divorce is the consequence for 8 years of affairs. I pray that it won’t get to this place for you and that you will learn from my mistakes. But please, don’t just roll over and take it. If your spouse has no intention of changing, ask God for clear direction and if He prompts you to leave, wash your hands of it. You can not be responsible to be someone else’s moral ground and conscience. You can not drag your spouse to the Lord. Only God can stir  a mans heart and change it. So if you find yourself in a place like this, trust the Lord and put it in His hands. He sees the whole picture and has a good plan for all of this.

One of the hardest things I have ever had to live up to was a promise I made to God and my husband. “If you make me choose between you and God, I am choosing God.” 8 1/2 years it took me, but I am keeping that promise. I am praying for the man still. Every day. Lord, your will be done in his life.

Biblical versus Unbiblical grounds for divorce

The Bible specifically addresses two reasons for biblical grounds for divorce.

Matthew 19:8-9

8Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

So your spouse committing adultery is biblical grounds for divorce.

1 Corinthians 7:12-17

12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

So the second reason is if an unbelieving spouse leaves.

So this raises questions in our society. What about abuse? What about alcoholism or addiction? What about problems with pornography?

Let’s go back to that first part of Matthew 19:8

8Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.”

Here’s the deal. Hard hearts. What does Jesus mean by your hearts were hard? He is talking about a spouses heart for God. The Bible uses many of these words synonymously – heart, spirit, soul. When a man or woman who is married has a hard heart, it is hardened against God. The spouse is really seeing it playing out as addiction (idolatry), alcoholism (idolatry), abuse (idolatry). Idolizing themselves and their wants and desires over and above their love for the Lord. If your spouse even claims to be a Christian, they will follow Christ. The fruit of their labors will be good fruit. But if a spouse suffers from a heart that is hardened against God, they will follow idols instead. Self is an idol too. Just saying!

Luke 6:46-49

46 “Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do what I tell you? 47 Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like: 48 he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built. 49 But the one who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the stream broke against it, immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great.”

The point is for both you and your spouse, your house must be built on the foundation of the Lord. If a spouse is following their own selfish desires and when confronted, does not feel conviction or remorse or see a need for change, they are not a Christ follower. In fact their heart is hardened against God and often their god is their own selfish desires. A house built on the foundation is the only one that will stand against the storms of this world. And that’s an individual calling. You have to build your own relationship on the Rock. And your spouse has to build theirs there too. But if one spouse builds there and the other builds elsewhere, it won’t stand.

So is addiction, alcoholism, abuse a legitimate biblical grounds for divorce? You have to reflect on your own marriage and take that to the Lord, but in the case of a hard heart. If your spouses heart has been hardened against the Lord and these issues are all fruit that has come from that, yes. You do have biblical grounds for divorce. Your spouse is not a believer and has abandoned you, maybe not physically, but spiritually and emotionally.

One more thing that I believe is worth saying though. No one, no matter how great their sin, is beyond the redemption of God. The best thing you can do for your spouse is pray. In your own strength, you will never be able to save them or your marriage. But God is strong enough and certainly loves your sinful spouse enough to do a miracle and soften your spouses heart.

Look back at 1 Corinthians 7:12-17 again.

12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

God calls us to sanctify our spouse. What exactly does that mean? To encourage them in their walk with the Lord. To build them up. When we sanctify our spouses with our belief in the Lord, the hope is that they will recognize the Lord and begin walking with Him. After all, how do you know if you are not what God will use to save them?

Think of it like this. You are hurting and you have the Lord, your comforter. How much more must your prodigal spouse be hurting then without the Lord? How many tears must the Lord be crying over that lost lamb? As much as you love your spouse, and it must be a lot because the Lord joins us and the two become one. Whatever hurts them is bound to hurt you. How much more does the Lord love them and weep over them, because they are lost? Even if you hate your spouse, do yourself and the Lord a favor and pray for them. In fact, don’t ever stop praying for them. You don’t know Gods plans, but it may just be a miracle.

God You’re so good!

His blessings pour out. Like springs in the desert. Like rain pouring out over the dry land. Where there is no way, He makes a way. And where no one else can reach us, He finds us.

Lord, thank you for this good and amazing work you are doing in my heart and in my life. Tonight I saw your glory and your goodness.

I went to a divorce care class tonight at my church and was able to talk about my experiences and share. And as I was talking, the Holy Spirit was pouring into me and pouring out of me into the hearts of those people around me. I saw weights lifted off of people. I saw eyes being opened and hearts being filled with fire. One man even said that he thought this was the best session they have had yet and this was week 6! Lord, use me Jesus, Father, Holy Spirit. You lit a fire in my soul for serving tonight. For preaching and encouraging those who need your joy. Lord, you have filled me with joy and hope. You are making something beautiful and good out of my deepest darkest despairs. A blessing for me! A purpose for my pain! Praise you Lord that in my weakest, you make me strong. In my sorrow and despair, you have glory and beauty. You have traded my rags for riches. My ashes for a crown.

Here and now
You can be honest
I won’t try to promise that someday it all works out
‘Cause this is the valley
And even now, He is breathing on your dry bones
And there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone
This much I know

Lord, I know. I believe and I trust you. You have promised to make beauty from this. Thank you Jesus! Thank you! Thank you for giving me a glimpse tonight of what can be! Help me Lord to remain faithful to you and the promises you have made. You will make a ministry out of me! You will trade my ashes for beauty. You will draw my husband back to you Lord amen amen amen! You will restore our marriage and it will be built on you Amen Lord! I can not do a thing to make these promises happen and toiling is meaningless. I have my eyes on you! My mighty warrior. My promise keeper. Revivor of my soul. My love. My true love. All I can do is rest in your glorious presence and remain faithful to You! Not to the promises and what I can do to make them happen, but to lay myself down daily before you and be willing to be used by you daily. Right where I am planted. You’re a good good Father. And I am loved by you.

I can’t pray anymore

This morning he texted me again. He still loves me, but he isn’t trying to make me come back. He wants a better relationship with Christ and he wants me and the kids to be taken care of financially. All he needs from me is 20 minutes of my time to explain this new business opportunity and…

Wait. Hold on. Please stop right there. Are you trying to sell me something? I am asking him as I am checking my bank account to discover he has stolen $250 from my account. What the heck.

My response to him. “I hate you.” His response. “Y”. Why? Why?!?! WHY am I finally at the point after 8 years of affairs that I hate you? You know, that is not actually such a bad question, but the better question is why? Why did I forgive you for 8 years of affairs? Why did I let you break me down so far that I felt like I didn’t know who I was without you? Why did I cover all of your expensive tastes? A new tv, a new phone, a new fancy car, a new house, then a better house. Why did I keep letting myself be emotionally abused? Because of grace. Because I am a Christian woman. Because I meant it when I said I do. Because I love the Lord who loves marriage and wanted to fight as hard as I can to make it work in my own strength. I dug this ditch until my hands bled and Jesus I am still waiting for the rain. Fill this ditch Lord Jesus, because I am still waiting for the rain!

Why do I keep praying for you? Because God loves you and He will not give up on you. He loves the man he made you to be, even if you refuse to be that man. He has seen the future and He is there now. He knows who you will become. And He gave me a foresight of what it will look like. Foolishly, I cling to the promise instead of the promiser, but I can’t anymore. I can’t pray for you anymore. Why do I hate you? Because I am human. Lord, you are God and I am not. I can not move this mountain. Lord, you move it.

Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God.”