Standing for Salvation, Standing for Marriage.

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On October 2, 2017 I filed for divorce.
And I just lost half of you right? So let me explain a little bit to you about what Standing for Marriage means to me. My husband and I have been through so many ups and downs and I won’t sugar coat it by leaving out the details, but I will be sharing those progressively throughout this blog. The overhanging story is that there is an enemy in this world. And that enemy is not flesh and blood.
In 2009, my husband and I started dating and moved in together within a month of dating. It was exciting and fun and we loved spending every moment together. We were best friends. But there is an iniquity in my husbands family and that certainly wasn’t quashed by my willingness to follow the ways of the world. My husband has a sexual addiction. He won’t admit it still, but it is a demon that plagues him and his entire bloodline. In August 2009, my then boyfriend, now husband, and soon to be ex husband moved to Colorado to be closer to my family. Within a month of us moving, I found out he had been flirting with and exchanging inappropriate photos with an ex girlfriend. I was devastated. Reeling. Crying in the shower for days and days. I couldn’t look at him the same. It was the most heart wrenching experience that my naïve mind had ever dealt with and I immediately started scouring the internet and racking my own brain to find a solution to a problem that seemed honestly fixable to me. I mean, he had cheated, because there was obviously something he needed that I wasn’t giving him. Let me just stop here for a moment and let you know that the enemy is a liar. And he uses our weak and vulnerable moments to attack. If I had been closer to the Lord then, I would have realized that God never gives us an okay to sin in an attempt to fix a problem. Truly, in that moment, I believed the enemies lies. That there was something wrong with me and that it was something that I could fix. That I, in my own strength, could fix our relationship.
I am horrified and ashamed of myself for what I did. But I will admit it, because it is part of my testimony, and someone out there might be going through something similar and needs to benefit from my experiences. In college, I had had my bi-sexual stints. Being in a very highly sexualized society, where gay excursions are the norm, it was not unusual for someone to try it and like it. So the enemy used this against me. In my own strength, I suggested to my boyfriend that we try it. Let’s just try a threesome. Lets try swinging. Maybe I am not enough woman for you, but me and another woman might be. Or me and another woman and her husband. Lets just give it a shot. Again friends, I am telling you that it is a lie. The enemy is a liar and if you have gone through that heart break, don’t allow the enemy to continue to drag you down into this pit. It’s not a place you want to go to.
This one time “let’s try it” mentality, fueled by my boyfriends sexual addiction, quickly turned into a lifestyle for us. And I hated it. Every single moment of it. My boyfriend daily checking emails, setting up dates, spending time flirting with “couples” and “singles” to try to “find us some friends”. Even writing about it is making my stomach turn. And maybe you aren’t at this place. Maybe this wasn’t even somewhere you considered. I beg you not to. It only leads to destruction. Trust me, because I’ve been down that road. Romans 6:23a “For the wages of sin is death”.
The point of sharing this is to show you that we are human. That I have to own my mistakes just as much as my husband has to own his. But in 2014, after I found out about my husbands newest of many physical and emotional affairs, something in me snapped. I was broken. I had tried all that the world could offer me to fix this and nothing worked. I was powerless to stop this train wreck that was my life. The enemy had even whispered suicidal thoughts to me. It was either that or take it to God. Thank you Jesus, thank you every single day for the rest of my life that you broke through and helped me to take it to God. Romans 6:23b “but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”
Standing for marriage for me started that day in April 2014. Standing on a promise that God made to me that one day, my marriage will be restored and that my husband will be made into a new creation too. I rededicated my life to Christ in 2014. I started reading his word. I started praying. I started hearing his voice in my spirit and listening to it. I started recognizing the enemies voice too and screening out the lies. And one day, God has promised that he will capture my prodigal husbands heart too and do the same thing. That he will make him into a new creation. 2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come”.
Standing for salvation means that one day, God will draw my husband back to himself. Standing for marriage means that I am standing on those promises that my marriage will come back together. And in that order. Because until my husband decides to accept the love of Christ, he will not be able to love or even know what real love is from anyone else. Hence, the current looming divorce. Our marriage covenant has been broken. My husband has a relationship with another woman right now in fact. But God is bigger than man. He is bigger than sin. He conquered sin with the blood of Christ. And when God says He is going to do something, He will do it. When the Lord does the work he has promised to do in this mans heart, the man will know what real love is. And when he knows what real love is, our marriage will be able to be restored. So this for me is what standing for salvation is. That my great big God will reach out His hand and find this prodigal soul wandering on this earth and bring him back into his fold. And when that happens, He will then do the work necessary to create a new covenant marriage that is based on the Rock. And this for me is what standing for marriage is.

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Lies: Accomplishing Salvation

It won’t happen until you’re perfect. Until you – quit smoking, quit having sexual feelings, quit loving him, quit biting your nails (seriously?!), etc. I don’t know why I let the enemy get under my skin like this, but I do. He comes around constantly telling me that the Lord is not going to be able to accomplish the things He has promised to do in my life and my family and my husband, until I have first made some kind of accomplishment. I keep falling into the trap. I keep telling myself “Well, if God told me that I will not be a smoker at the time that my husband is saved, that means I need to quit smoking. If God told me I was going to have completed this book by the time my husband is saved, I need to hurry up and finish reading it. If God told me…” I am sorry self, but when did God ever need you to do something in order to accomplish the good work He set out to do?!

Ephesians 2:8-9 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.

This seems like a ridiculous struggle to me, but it is seriously a daily issue. Having this idea that God needs me to be perfect in order to accomplish the things He has to do. And that is just not possible! I know, it is also not just an excuse to sin though. I know I need to live life daily, trying the best I can to follow after Christ, but at the end of the day, I am human. I fail. I fail every single day. And I can never achieve perfection. I beat myself up for my failures too, but it is something that I need to recognize Gods hand in my life in too.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

So this weakness is not an excuse to continue sinning, but it is a chance for God to build strength in me. Lord, I am struggling. I don’t like feeling this need to accomplish. I know that is not from you. I know that you are satisfied to operate in my weakness and that you forgive me when I make mistakes. I don’t want to use that as an excuse to sin, but I also know it doesn’t help for me to beat myself up over mistakes. Help me to walk the middle ground, trying my best to follow in your footsteps and to recognize that this is not anything I do on my own. All of the glory is yours Lord. I need you.

So that vs because part 2 – fear

I’ve realized since my last post that there is actually a third place that many people (including myself) operate from. Fear.

If you have watched The 100, you will remember a scene when some of the men are wandering through a desert in an attempt to reach this legendary place called the City of Light. They don’t know truly if the place actually exists, but because of previous situations, they don’t have really any other choice except to try to find it. So they are wandering in this wasteland when all of a sudden, an explosion, and they realize that this is no ordinary desert; it is a minefield. From there, they have a lot of decisions to make. Continue going or turn around and go back? Some opt for the second option and go back. Some opt to continue the journey, knowing that going back is not an option they can live with. From there, the going is slow. Throw a stick to make sure the path is safe then walk along only that path. Often sitting to rest. Discouragement plagues the men.

This is a great analogy for me of what it looks like to walk the middle ground with the Lord. Walking forward into this minefield of traps. I could have turned back and huddled in fear at the edge of the minefield. I could stop in the middle of it and cower in fear. But fear puts a halt to progress. The longer a person operates in fear, the longer the journey becomes. To sit down and say “No, this journey is too perilous and I can not do it anymore, but also I can not go backwards” is to doom yourself to dehydration and death in the desert. To run forward, without caution or concern for the mines is to doom yourself to death, because you will almost definitely fall victim to a trap. So, many times in this Christian walk, God calls us to difficult journeys and they don’t seem hopeful. But this is why God is vital to our journey. We have to let him walk ahead of us and show us the safe places to go. It is terrifying to us. It is slow. It is exhausting and painful as we suffer from the elements of the desert we are in. But in the end, if we “trust in the Lord with all our heart”, and do not leap forward into a sprint and do this “in our own understanding”, but instead “in all our ways acknowledge Him” and trust that He has already gone before us and knows the right way, then “He will make our path straight”. It is slow, but it is progress and we will get there.

Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Isaiah 30:21

Lord, I want to walk in the middle path, completley surrendered to you and trusting you, because You know the way and you love me. I know your way is best. I don’t want to sit down and hide in fear. I also don’t want to run blindly into the desert, thinking I can do this on my own. I don’t want to do this so that I can reach the promise. I want to do this because I trust you and your plan. Help me Lord to surrender to your plan and your control.

God you don’t need me, but somehow you want me. Oh how you love me and somehow that frees me to take my hands off of my life and the way it should go. Somehow that frees me to open my hands up and give you control. You’re behind and before me. Oh help me believe. The king of heaven wants me, so this world has lost its grip on me.

So that vs Because – Goliath Must Fall

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Thank you Lord that you love me, value me, and accept me, just as I am. I don’t have to do anything to prove it to me or anyone else, because you’ve already given me your love and acceptance. Help me to live this life, every day, knowing that I am not rejected. I am accepted.

Ephesians 2:8-9 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.

If you haven’t read this book or followed the Bible study on “Goliath Must Fall”, I would highly recommend it. I was listening to the Bible Study of Rejection must fall today, from his Bible Study on FaithGateway and I am really convicted.

He talks about our motivations for life and why we do the things that we do. He called it religion vs. faith. Religion operates from a “so that” mentality, while faith operates from a “because” mentality.

So that means I am doing these things so that I can reap a harvest or get a specific outcome. Acceptance, approval, or whatever that is. Because means that I have faith. I am doing these things, because I love God and know that he is good and I trust His plans. Lord, help me to live the because life. I am living my life, one day at a time, receiving my daily bread. I am not living so that I can reach a promise, I am living, because this is the life that you gave me and because I love you.

It’s an every day struggle for me. Even my post yesterday “Trust Him”, I can see myself operating again out of that “so that” mentality. I want this promise. I want to get to that place of restoration. I want it so badly. I want my husband back. I want my family back together. I keep struggling to shed this weight and run out my race set before me. I don’t want to live like this though. I want to live every day, knowing that I am in this place in my life, because God knew I was going to get to this place and He loves me and has bigger plans for my life. Not anything I can do will change what God has planned and why would I want to change those plans anyways? His plans are best. I don’t want to live every day, choosing actions, so that maybe my husband will fall in love with me again and maybe we can make things work again and maybe I can throw off this rejection. I want to live every day, because the Lord loves me and hasn’t rejected me. Because He is orchestrating my life to end up in the place He wants me and my family and my husband to be. He loves me already. I don’t have to do anything to make his plans come or to gain his acceptance. I already have it. And that means I can push past the idea of working towards a promise and instead spend every moment, every day, enjoying his presence and acceptance.

Don’t live for acceptance. “If we live for man’s approval, we die by man’s rejection.” Don’t live for acceptance, live FROM acceptance. Knowing that God already loves and accepts you just as you are, because He made you and knew you would get to this place in your life. He hasn’t rejected you and He never will. “Do you want to live so that you are accepted or because you already are?”

Colossians 1:21-22  Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation.

Psalm 139:1-6 You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

Trusting Him

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It’s been 7 weeks. 7 weeks since that night he decided to leave. Since I found out that he was in Thailand. We’ve had fights. We’ve had long stretches of not talking. I am so out of it. I mean the time is dragging and it’s flying. There’s so much to do that I guess it’s keeping me busy, but I feel exhausted too. I miss him. I just miss him.

He messaged earlier about wanting to get the kids, but he wanted me to bring them the whole way. Our agreement was that we would split the drive and meet in the middle. He said he didn’t have gas for the drive. I guess my thought is if you want your kids so badly, you’ll find a way to make that happen. I can’t always be the solution to every problem. But he says I am selfish when I don’t come up with the solution. It’s difficult.

I’ve been struggling. With doubt especially. It’s so hard to stand for a marriage when the ones you love the most think you are crazy. Even his mom. Of all people, I was certain his mom would be in support of me standing. But when I spoke to her today, I told her that I love him still and I prayed earlier in the week. I realized it’s okay to love him. I’m always going to love him. He’s the one the Lord made for me. I can’t just stop loving that piece of myself. She replied in her way, saying that she loves me and this is hard for her, but I will always in her heart be her daughter in law. She just wants me to be happy and I need to follow whatever Gods plan for my life is. No matter where that takes me. I guess her way of telling me to move on and get over it? Maybe that’s me just assuming things. My family looks at me like I am crazy though. Just move past this. The man is a cheater. He’s a liar. He’s a thief. He is self centered and narcissistic. He never really loved you. Your marriage wasn’t really ever real. Those are truly all things I have heard from my family.

I get it! I know I look like a crazy stalker person who just can’t get over her husband. I get that this is how it looks to the world. But I am not looking at this through worldly lenses. God made promises to me. Promises about who I was supposed to marry. About my future. All of His promises are true and I trust him. When I first met my husband, it was after a string of terrible relationships. I prayed and finally told God “I give up.” The Lord told me to stop looking and stop trying and stop dating altogether. Just give up and let Him take care of it. He knew where Mr. Right was. In fact, I had prayed to God for the man I was with before my husband. I begged God to just let me have this man and marry him. I was so infatuated with him, but to my surprise, God told me “I will give this man to you if you want him, but you won’t be happy.” Uh, no God! I don’t want this man just so I can not be happy! And then God told me “Wait a little longer. The next one will be the right one.” I was satisfied. Okay God. I will break up with this boyfriend then and wait for you to bring the right guy around.

I didn’t have to wait long. I was determined not to date, but my friend Rebecca quickly introduced me to this guy. I didn’t even want to date. I thought he was an old man. No seriously, the first time we met, I wasn’t looking at him well and I thought he was way older than he actually was. We just started seeing each other around work, then talking, then hanging out, and eventually it turned into something. Within the first month of us dating, he had moved in with me. We just clicked so well. We really loved spending time together.

Anyways, the point of all that was to say that God had told me this one was the right one. I saw that. It was promised, before I saw all the pieces. Before I even met the man. But it happened, just the way God promised it would. The next one was the right one. And then God promised that if we kept living in sexual sin, our marriage would fall apart. That happened too. Check out my blog “My harvest has come in” if you want to find out more about that. All I am saying here is that God makes promises to me and then he puts those promises into action and they happen. It’s not by any of my doing. Who can force a man to marry them? Who can plan for a marriage to fall apart? I didn’t plan for any of this, but it happened the way God promised it would. So then why is it so hard for people to believe that God won’t do what He has promised He would do, and someday draw my husband back to God and put our marriage back together? I get it. You can follow this point and that point after the fact and think that it just happened that way. But I am seeing it a little more clearly maybe? God has given me the Spiritual gift of Faith. I intend to blog about Spiritual gifts here pretty soon and will go into more detail on this, but I have this gift of Faith and it helps me to see the future picture more clearly. I know God is working here. I refuse to give up on the hopes and promises that He has given me. Call me crazy. Call me overly optimistic. Call me a stalker wife. Whatever. I don’t care. I know, I know, I know that all of Gods promises are true. I know the promises he made for me. I know that He will do what He has promised to do. He will restore my marriage, after He has saved my husbands soul.

Lord, I am waiting in anticipation for your promises to come true. I don’t know when. I don’t know how you are going to do it, but you promised me God. You promised me that you will and so I am expectant and waiting for that. I know that you love me. I know that your plans for me are good. For my best. God, I have faith in You. I have faith in your promises. I trust you more than anything else. I know that to others without this gift of faith, I just look crazy. Who would decide at 31 years old to wait, even if it’s the rest of her life, because God made a promise. I know it sounds crazy. But God, it was crazy for Abraham and Sarah to have a child. She wasn’t physically able to have children anymore, yet you did it. You promised it and you came through. I know God that you made this promise, so I will wait. No matter how long it takes, I trust you and I know that your promises are not empty. I may not be able to trust anyone in this world, but God I can and I do trust you.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Psalm 18:16-19 He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Finding Contentment

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God I have been struggling. For days and weeks. How can I be happy? How can I find satisfaction and joy in the midst of this pain?

Romans 12:12 has always been my go to verse “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” But how do I stay patient in this affliction? Where is the joy? I do have hope for a future, but my present is so painful.

I heard this song today. It has cleared a path a little in my mind.

God you don’t need me
But somehow you want me
Oh how you love me
And somehow that frees me
To take my hands off of my life
And the way it should go
To open my hands up
And give you control
This world has lost its grip on me

The world has lost its grip on me. Why am I letting worldly physical issues stand in my way of my joy in the Lord? My joy in life? My sister says often that we are “vessels” carrying the Holy Spirit. My role in this life is to carry the Spirit with me and share Him with whoever I come across. Why am I letting such a small problem in Gods eyes, that God has already promised to take care of, fill me with such despair and steal my joy and contentment? God doesn’t need me! He WANTS me! So the world is losing its grip on me. The more I can wrap my mind around this, the more content I will be in this season of my life.

Be content in right now. Whatever the Lord has planned for the future, HE has the plan and He’s putting in the work to put it in motion. It is in the best hands possible and it’s a good plan and will be best for you. You can’t do anything about it. Even thinking about it won’t help. So just forget it. Pray for the man when you think of him. Otherwise let it go. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Don’t look at him at all. Don’t let his life have any impact on yours. He might go this way or that, but God has a plan for our future that I can’t put in motion myself. He already has it in motion and He loves that man and is doing what is best for us. Even when he falls into so much deep pain. Fix your eyes on God.

Don’t stand close to the water. He’ll pull you under. He’ll pull you under.

Matthew 19:29-30
29And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. 30But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Abandoned and a prophecy

September 16, 2017 we went to a baby shower. He played with all the little kids. Running and keeping them busy, while their parents took photos. He grabbed one little boy away from a pool. I was proud. I was so happy. It was so much fun even if it was just a baby shower, because I was spending time with the man I love and our kids that I love. That was a Saturday.

Sunday was hell. It all came crashing down on Sunday. I woke up early in the morning around 4am to go to the bathroom and noticed his phone was unlocked and active on the table top. Back in the day, I would have taken the opportunity. He is secretive and I don’t often get a chance to snoop through his phone, because he keeps the password secret. Normally, I would have snooped. This time I said no. “No Lord. We made family values that I intend to commit to. Respect was the first one on there, so I want to respect him in this. Self control was second on there and Honesty too. I have to believe that he is being honest with me and controlling himself. So I am going to control myself. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you is on our list. He isn’t doing anything to me that is evil. Nothing that he would not want to fall back on his own head. And faith was the last one. I have faith in him that he is being faithful to me. No, Lord. This is a temptation and I am going to resist.” I went back to bed.

And 4 hours later, when I got up, the phone was still awake, open, and unlocked. Anyone who has an iPhone knows eventually the phone goes to sleep and locks itself. But on Sunday, September 17, 2017, his phone did not. I took the phone and locked myself in the bathroom, double clicked the home button and began scrolling through currently running apps. The first one open calls itself “Line”. I clicked it and my whole world fell apart.

Messages between him and this other woman. Videos, photos. Plans being made for their future. I love you I love you I miss you I love you. Everywhere. My stomach turned. My heart raced. Blood rushed to my head. I couldn’t even read it all. I messaged and asked “are you Chris’s girlfriend?” She responded “?” I started taking screen shots thinking I needed evidence, but suddenly rage sprang out of me. I burst through the door. I threw back the blankets and grabbed him by the shirt. I dragged him, dazed and confused, from the bed and tried to throw him down the stairs. He made it about two down and caught himself. I was cursing him the whole time. Asking who she was and where he met her. He said she was from Thailand. They met in Japan while she was visiting. He was still confused and saying things he didn’t mean to say. I was crying and screaming. I don’t know what was said. I don’t know how it all ended. In fact, that whole day is a blank on my memory after that point.

But I do know that that night, he told me he was leaving. He needed a chance to clear his head and figure out what he wanted. I told him okay, I would respect his decision. But he didn’t leave. And the next night, again he said he would leave, but didn’t. And again on Tuesday night. Wednesday, he came in after work. He told me he loved me and he kissed me. Then he said it again. “I’m leaving tonight.” I didn’t understand. He had been saying it for days and hadn’t, so I asked him if he was sure and he said yes. Then he said he wanted to have sex. We did. It was not satisfying for either of us, but it made me feel like we were both trying and that meant so much to me. I woke up at 2am, Thursday, September 21. He was gone. He hadn’t said goodbye or kissed me when he left. He just left.

I heard from him again Friday morning. A text message “Hey”. From a Thailand country code number. He hadn’t gone to clear his head or figure out what he wanted. He went to finish what he started while he was deployed. It was purely innocent he told me. They just went on one date and kissed but didn’t have sex. I should be able to forgive that. But when my reaction was anger, not forgiveness, he regretted his slight amount of self control and decided he should have just had sex with her. So he abandoned me and our kids one month after he returned home. So that he could finish what he started. Innocent right?!

Innocence wouldn’t have someone else in the wings. Innocence wouldn’t even have an option to go to someone else’s arms and bed. “You don’t even know what we did while I was there. She told me I should go back to you.” Was that before or after she bought your plane ticket, ran a married man around Bangkok, and had sex with him? You are a fool and she is Delilah. The Bible warns against this woman.

Proverbs 7:10-27

10Then out came a woman to meet him,
dressed like a prostitute and with crafty intent.
11(She is unruly and defiant,
her feet never stay at home;
12now in the street, now in the squares,
at every corner she lurks.)
13She took hold of him and kissed him
and with a brazen face she said:
14“Today I fulfilled my vows,
and I have food from my fellowship offering at home.
15So I came out to meet you;
I looked for you and have found you!
16I have covered my bed
with colored linens from Egypt.
17I have perfumed my bed
with myrrh, aloes and cinnamon.
18Come, let’s drink deeply of love till morning;
let’s enjoy ourselves with love!
19My husband is not at home;
he has gone on a long journey.
20He took his purse filled with money
and will not be home till full moon.”
21With persuasive words she led him astray;
she seduced him with her smooth talk.
22All at once he followed her
like an ox going to the slaughter,
like a deera stepping into a nooseb
23till an arrow pierces his liver,
like a bird darting into a snare,
little knowing it will cost him his life.
24Now then, my sons, listen to me;
pay attention to what I say.
25Do not let your heart turn to her ways
or stray into her paths.
26Many are the victims she has brought down;
her slain are a mighty throng.
27Her house is a highway to the grave,
leading down to the chambers of death.

Lord, help me forgive first of all. Distill this bitterness in my heart, but don’t replace it with love. Just for my own sake, help me forgive. I pray for him, that you won’t forget him. Your will be done in both of their lives.

While he was gone, I prayed. So many prayers, but God gave me many pictures of prophecy. One was me standing on the rock, at the edge of the water. My husband floating in the sea. Many times, he came and put his hand out for me. I took him. I tried to take him out of the water. I couldn’t. He would drag me down a little. I would let go. He would float out, laughing, but intending to come back. Never intending to get out. Out of the sea of his sin. Just intending to use me to pull him out for a breath. Not to get out. This song is for me. Stay away from the water. Walk away. Walk away from the edge of the water. Let him find his own way out. The only way out. The Lord.

I hate you and I miss you

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LORD, please take control of me. I’m cleaning out the house today. I’m getting rid of some things, packing others. I keep finding his shirts. I keep finding our photos. How did we get here God? 9 months ago, we were as happy as can be. We were on our FamilyLife Marriage cruise. We were learning how to love each other. How did he go on deployment and forget just like that that we love each other? That we were happy? Less than 2 years ago, we were in the hospital after having our daughter. He cuddled in the bed with me and we loved each other. How did this happen?!?! God how?! We moved here for a fresh start. We were supposed to be happy. I meant it when I said forever no matter what. Lord Jesus I still mean it. Even after this divorce goes through, I will wait for him God. I had found the one whom my soul loves. Lord, you made me for this man and I know that. And I know for your sake, I have to let him go. So that you can do the work you have to do in his heart. But God don’t forget me. Right now, my heart hurts. It’s the deepest wound I have ever felt and it seems self inflicted. God help me to stand firm. I know you are doing work here. I know you are for me.

Isaiah 41:10

10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I hate him Lord and I love him so much. I hate who he thinks he is. I hate who this demon that plagues him makes him believe he is. Lord don’t forget him. Speak the truth to him. Show him who he really is. Show him who you see him as.