Standing for Salvation, Standing for Marriage.

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On October 2, 2017 I filed for divorce.
And I just lost half of you right? So let me explain a little bit to you about what Standing for Marriage means to me. My husband and I have been through so many ups and downs and I won’t sugar coat it by leaving out the details, but I will be sharing those progressively throughout this blog. The overhanging story is that there is an enemy in this world. And that enemy is not flesh and blood.
In 2009, my husband and I started dating and moved in together within a month of dating. It was exciting and fun and we loved spending every moment together. We were best friends. But there is an iniquity in my husbands family and that certainly wasn’t quashed by my willingness to follow the ways of the world. My husband has a sexual addiction. He won’t admit it still, but it is a demon that plagues him and his entire bloodline. In August 2009, my then boyfriend, now husband, and soon to be ex husband moved to Colorado to be closer to my family. Within a month of us moving, I found out he had been flirting with and exchanging inappropriate photos with an ex girlfriend. I was devastated. Reeling. Crying in the shower for days and days. I couldn’t look at him the same. It was the most heart wrenching experience that my naïve mind had ever dealt with and I immediately started scouring the internet and racking my own brain to find a solution to a problem that seemed honestly fixable to me. I mean, he had cheated, because there was obviously something he needed that I wasn’t giving him. Let me just stop here for a moment and let you know that the enemy is a liar. And he uses our weak and vulnerable moments to attack. If I had been closer to the Lord then, I would have realized that God never gives us an okay to sin in an attempt to fix a problem. Truly, in that moment, I believed the enemies lies. That there was something wrong with me and that it was something that I could fix. That I, in my own strength, could fix our relationship.
I am horrified and ashamed of myself for what I did. But I will admit it, because it is part of my testimony, and someone out there might be going through something similar and needs to benefit from my experiences. In college, I had had my bi-sexual stints. Being in a very highly sexualized society, where gay excursions are the norm, it was not unusual for someone to try it and like it. So the enemy used this against me. In my own strength, I suggested to my boyfriend that we try it. Let’s just try a threesome. Lets try swinging. Maybe I am not enough woman for you, but me and another woman might be. Or me and another woman and her husband. Lets just give it a shot. Again friends, I am telling you that it is a lie. The enemy is a liar and if you have gone through that heart break, don’t allow the enemy to continue to drag you down into this pit. It’s not a place you want to go to.
This one time “let’s try it” mentality, fueled by my boyfriends sexual addiction, quickly turned into a lifestyle for us. And I hated it. Every single moment of it. My boyfriend daily checking emails, setting up dates, spending time flirting with “couples” and “singles” to try to “find us some friends”. Even writing about it is making my stomach turn. And maybe you aren’t at this place. Maybe this wasn’t even somewhere you considered. I beg you not to. It only leads to destruction. Trust me, because I’ve been down that road. Romans 6:23a “For the wages of sin is death”.
The point of sharing this is to show you that we are human. That I have to own my mistakes just as much as my husband has to own his. But in 2014, after I found out about my husbands newest of many physical and emotional affairs, something in me snapped. I was broken. I had tried all that the world could offer me to fix this and nothing worked. I was powerless to stop this train wreck that was my life. The enemy had even whispered suicidal thoughts to me. It was either that or take it to God. Thank you Jesus, thank you every single day for the rest of my life that you broke through and helped me to take it to God. Romans 6:23b “but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”
Standing for marriage for me started that day in April 2014. Standing on a promise that God made to me that one day, my marriage will be restored and that my husband will be made into a new creation too. I rededicated my life to Christ in 2014. I started reading his word. I started praying. I started hearing his voice in my spirit and listening to it. I started recognizing the enemies voice too and screening out the lies. And one day, God has promised that he will capture my prodigal husbands heart too and do the same thing. That he will make him into a new creation. 2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come”.
Standing for salvation means that one day, God will draw my husband back to himself. Standing for marriage means that I am standing on those promises that my marriage will come back together. And in that order. Because until my husband decides to accept the love of Christ, he will not be able to love or even know what real love is from anyone else. Hence, the current looming divorce. Our marriage covenant has been broken. My husband has a relationship with another woman right now in fact. But God is bigger than man. He is bigger than sin. He conquered sin with the blood of Christ. And when God says He is going to do something, He will do it. When the Lord does the work he has promised to do in this mans heart, the man will know what real love is. And when he knows what real love is, our marriage will be able to be restored. So this for me is what standing for salvation is. That my great big God will reach out His hand and find this prodigal soul wandering on this earth and bring him back into his fold. And when that happens, He will then do the work necessary to create a new covenant marriage that is based on the Rock. And this for me is what standing for marriage is.

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Loving him, Loving Him

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I have had such a heavy cloud over me for many days.

I saw Chris two weeks ago when I went to bring the kids to him. It was a very frustrating confrontation. The bottom line of that whole fight was that he said there was no hope for us, because I would never change and I told him there was no hope for us, because I don’t trust him and I don’t want him anymore. That I am trying to take care of our kids and look out for their best interest, which I don’t believe he has in mind. I had put him out of my heart. Completely evicted him and I felt like I was fine with that.

Three days later, he texted me. The most amazing text I have seen from him yet. “This divorce has really got me messed up emotionally. Like I am a wreck. Lol. No crying or anything, just I don’t know what way to go.” When I read it, I remembered the vision. I remembered what God had shown me. The ground crumbled away from beneath his feet. He has started to fall. And I am awed by God for that. Truly, I am completely amazed. I believe God and His promises, but it is so hard some days to. I did not expect to see that day so soon. I guess just like I did not expect to see the “joy filled marriage/option 2” happen the way that it did. God is still working! Jesus, thank you that you are still working!

And I remembered the vision and asked God what I should respond to him. So many things came into my head. “You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”. I laughed a little thinking about that answer – a dark evil laugh. No, that was not the Lord.

John 14:6 “Jesus told his disciples, I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me

“Jesus is the way”. That answer made me smile and think “See Lord! I will save him after all!”, but the Lord answered no. Jesus is the way. No one comes to the Father, except through him. And all of God’s words spoken from my lips will never save him or make him encounter Christ, the way that Christ will encounter him on his own. No, God has a plan to speak to the man, without my mouth. So I remembered the vision. When the ground fell out from his feet and he started to fall, what did I do? I turned away. I turned into the arms of my Lord and stopped watching Chris. So I turned away. I did not answer his text at all. I ignored it.

He came down the day before Easter to see the kids. He showed up unexpectedly. He asked us to go to lunch with him and we did. He sat on the same side of the table as me, as he has so many times before when he was trying to be romantic. Of course, he made the excuse that the TV was on my side, but I offered to switch him seats and he insisted that I should stay where I was. He kept reaching over my lap to try to play with Naomi. We took the kids to Chuck E Cheese afterwards. He kept trying to grab my hand when we passed the play pass back and forth. He kept trying and trying and trying. And God, I am grateful to see that, but I know what you asked me to do. You asked me to be still, to stand down, to stand my ground and stay out of Your way.

Psalm 46:10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

I am proud of myself for the interactions lately. I have not been reaching out. I have not been pursuing as I have in the past, but I have felt so much conflict in my soul over this.

And Lord, you are so good. He revealed something new to me today. I love Chris. I love my husband. I love him and God made me to love him. He is my neighbor, as the Bible says. And I am supposed to love him as much as I love myself. To deny that love is denying who I am. And I am supposed to, and do, love the Lord my God first and most. I do. I do Lord. I love you the most.

Matthew 22:37-39 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

But I also realized today that I love Chris too. I love him and God made me to love him. I have felt so much conflict and division in my soul, because I thought I had to deny that part of myself. That is not true! Chris is one with me and God made me for him. Lord, you made me to love him and I should not reject that. But I need to not reveal it to Chris either. I need to love with actions, not words, but I also need to not pursue him. I got part of it right. The not pursuing him part was right. But I need to still love him. I can’t keep hiding that part of myself away and pretending it is not there. It is breaking me apart. Just, I can share that part of me with the Lord right now. Not with Chris. Chris can not be trusted with that pearl. I need to love him, but not pursue him – only pursue you Lord. One day, pursuing Chris will be pursing You, when he is pursuing you. But right now, today, is not that day.

“Never doubt in the shade what Jesus told you in the sunshine!” Lord, in the sunshine, you told me that you would restore our marriage. You! That is…YOU! You will restore our marriage, not me and not him. YOU.

“Whatever he told you in the shore is still true in the middle of the storm.” He told me to go to the other side. Help me focus on what you have called ME to do and not worry about what you are doing with him. Lord, I give YOU control.

Lord, thank you for releasing my heart to love him. I feel relief knowing that it is good for me to love him. But I want you most God. You love me! Although I do love him, I won’t tell him that again and I won’t pursue him. You still need me out of the way so that he will learn to pursue YOU. Not me, not women, not the world. You removed him from me so that I would learn to love you most and stop idolizing him. It is good for me to love him, but you are first. I love you first.

This is the piece I was missing. I was praying last night, and the Lord reminded me of the verse He has spoken over my life for years.

Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

As I prayed last night, I told Him, “Lord, I have the patient in affliction part down. I am being still. I am waiting. I am being very patient. I have that. Faithful in prayer, I have that too. I have been faithful to pray and pray and pray. Until I am dried up from all the tears I am crying. And even then, I still pray. I have that part down. But the joyful in hope. I don’t understand it and I am not there. I can’t find joy. I don’t know how to be joyful.” And this was God’s answer to me today. The hope for our future. I have to be joyful about the hope he has given me for the future. I have to continue to love this man who doesn’t love me. I have to continue to have hope and let that hope drive my joy. This is who God made me to be. I am Chris’s wife and I will be joyful, because there is a hope for our future. There is hope for our marriage. My love is genuine. I still love him and he still loves me and God will do what he promised to do. He will restore our marriage, after he has saved my husband and brought him back into the fold. I do have joy in that hope and I will live now with that hope. I am going to love him as I love and pursue Him.

Encounter Him

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Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you. Genesis 28:15

Does this drive anyone else crazy, or is it just me? When a preacher stands up to tell about this amazing moment when God stepped in and changed his life and as you listen it starts “I travelled on a mission to Peru.” Or “I was ministering to orphans and widows in Botswana.” Or “I was scaling Mount Everest”. My brain just shuts off sometimes as those sermons begin. Cause I’m a single working mom of 2. The closest I’ll ever get to Botswana, Peru, or Mount Everest is “I climbed up the hill in my back yard.” And it makes me mad! God often does amazing things in amazing moments, but what about the rest of us?

You know what I have learned in all of my trials is God doesn’t just bless the missionary, the minister, the pastor, or the author. He doesn’t just bless the orphans and widows of Botswana. And He doesn’t just call those with great callings. He calls all of us.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:19

So my stories often start out like this. “I rolled out of bed and got my coffee. I sat down and began praying. My mind was opened as the Spirit came into my quiet place and I experienced God there.” It often starts “I was watching my also a single mom friends kids so she could get some well earned rest for a few hours.” Or “I was kneeling in church and someone came to pray for me and we had a God encounter together.”

Brothers and sisters, we don’t have to be at the orphanages, across the world, or on mountain tops to find God. Though certainly He is in those places too. But often times, I have had my most humbling, amazing, God before me, life changing experiences in my every day walk with Him. God is with us always. When we’re having our morning coffee, driving to work, dealing with customers, bathing and feeding our own kids, paying bills. Those are the moments where most of us will encounter God. The key is to have an open line of communication with Him. Isn’t it amazing that we have that?! The God who created the universe wants to have encounters with us every day.

My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest. Exodus 33:14

Two visions

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I have had many visions when in worship in God’s presence, but I wanted to share two of them, because I see them happening now in my life. God, I want to pursue you and follow your steps. You have been clear with me.

The first vision I saw was of me on the boat with the Lord and my children again. As I looked out across the water, it was a beautiful sunny day. And I looked to my left and saw Chris. I could see from his perspective, he was climbing up these stone steps leading into the sky and as he reached the top of the steps, there was this expanse of land in front of him. It looked like wilderness, but it was beautiful. He began to walk out into the wilderness and got a few yards in, but from my perspective on the boat, I could see the truth. The stone steps and the wilderness that he was walking in were completely unsupported. It was about 6 inches thick of packed dirt and nothing underneath it to hold it up in the sky. So as Chris was walking, the ground under his feet began to crumble away and he started to fall. I saw him falling from my perspective on the boat, but then I turned away and embraced the Lord with my children. We pressed into his neck and he held us and loved us. I saw from Chris’s perspective again that he was falling and he hit the water below. The sting was hard against his back and it knocked the breath out of him and he started to sink deep into the sea. His eyes were dimming and he was almost asleep, drowning in the sea, but he saw a light and the Lord above him on the water, walking on the waves. He reached down through the water and pulled Chris back out of the ocean. Chris was lifeless and so Jesus did CPR and breathed his breath of life into him and Chris came back to life. Then the Lord broke the water apart and set their feet together down on the ocean floor and they continued walking toward the promised land.

The first vision happened several weeks ago and has encouraged me for the fact that I know Chris is falling now. The ground just fell out beneath him when the divorce finalized two days ago and I have felt God told me it is time for me to be active again. My action is to turn away and press into the Lord. He is my Comforter and will keep me from seeing things that will harm me. When Chris hits the sea, that will be sin swallowing him up. I know he is about to face some excruciating pain – consequences for his actions. And God is protecting me and the kids from seeing this. But the pain of that sin hitting him will knock the breath out of him and destroy him. I don’t think he will physically die, but the evil inside him will. God is going to pull him out of sin, breathe the Spirit into him, and disperse sin so that Chris can walk through it. With temptation on both sides of him, but with him between it, so that he will not go back into it.

The second vision happened again, while I was deep in worship. I saw me and the kids on one side and Chris stood before us, facing us and watching us. There was this deep black shadow of a demon hovering over him and plaguing him. It had long tendon like claws and was digging them deep into his skin, into his neck and his sides. The kids and I were praying and I tried to step forward to help get the devil off of him, but as I took a step, a pillar of fire fell down from heaven to my left and ripped across the ground between us, leaving me and the kids on one side and Chris and his demon on the other. It had put up a barrier, like a thick piece of glass between us. The kids and I fell down crying and praying. And as we did that, I saw two things. I saw many of my friends who are suffering divorce or are standing for their marriages appear with me. I saw Rebecca, Barb, Eric, Adrienne, Michelle. And many more friends beside me too that I did not consciously see, but knew they were present. And on the other side, with the plaguing demon, I saw their spouses appear with Chris and with their demons plaguing them too. James, Tim, Erics wife, G, Daniel, and many others too. They were screaming out and crying as the demon ripped at them and it was painful. We turned away crying and bowed down. We huddled together and we prayed. I then saw, outside of myself who was there praying. They fell to their knees as they were being tormented. Then I saw the hand of God reach down out of heaven and gripped the demon and tore it violently from their backs. They screamed as it ripped away their flesh, but they were free of the demon. Then God went in and tediously picked out all of the tendon claws from out of their flesh. They were broken and in pain. Then I saw the Lord go to their bodies and press himself against their backs, wrapping his arms around them. As He pressed against them, their flesh healed and their bodies were restored, but their eyes were lifeless, like glass. The body was just a shell. So the Lord breathed into them and it filled their nostrils and their ears and their eyes became bright again with life. At this point, many of the men and women who were on that side and this side fell away from my focus and I could only see Chris, but we turned back to him and saw the life in his eyes. And he opened his arms and ran straight through the barrier and back into our arms. Our family restored.

I realize now that this barrier God had put up was the divorce. That God is using this as a protection for me and the kids against the demon that plagues this man. God has plans to restore him, but the next thing that he had me do was to turn away and not look at him anymore. That he is clearly going to suffer beyond what I can watch and I have to guard myself and the kids from watching him suffer. It will pain us to watch, but we can continue praying and we may still hear his torment. The only way to protect ourselves is to turn away from it. We need to press into the arms of our Lord. He is going to rescue Chris and many others. He has shown me several times that this is his will and his plan and nothing I do will change what he does. But we have to stand strong and stay put so that Chris can come through the barrier of divorce and back into marriage. Back into our family. God will do what he has promised to do.

Lord, give me the strength to turn away with my kids right now. I don’t want us to suffer anymore watching him suffer. You have a miraculous plan in the work already. You have put up the barrier and we are very far along. You will do it.

Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

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Day 1 of the rest of my life

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Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

This is one of my favorite pics of me and Chris. Please keep praying for both of us.

He called the night before final hearing to discuss numbers. The judge had wanted to order $1000/month child support and Chris was sure he was going to get screwed. He was complaining about the system and how it’s so screwed up and I was praying and I really feel God was speaking to me and to him through me. I told him he can complain to me now and that is fine, but he can not wave the victim flag in court tomorrow or he will get screwed. We discussed and came up with $500/month which we thought the judge would go for. About 2 hours after we got off the phone, I saw a real miracle. He texted me and said “you are right. It’s not your fault. I’m just mad about this situation that I put myself in.” I was just shocked. This man is deeply narcissistic so for him to admit that he brought these consequences on himself is nothing short of a miracle.

So we went to court for the final hearing yesterday. We walked in together and were late. The judge opened the case for us and asked me what we had come up with for support. I told him we discussed $500/month as being doable for his budget and I would like to keep his budget in mind, because the kids and I have been doing fine financially and it is much more important that he can see his kids than that we get a check every month. I guess the judge appreciated that answer. I think Chris appreciated it too, because as we were going through the hearing, there was some point when he mentioned a life support policy that I did not know about. He told the judge he wanted to keep me as the beneficiary on it. We both waved spousal support. I know it was God with all of us in the court room, because it seemed fair and agreeable to everyone in the end.

When the judge asked if the marriage was irretrievably broken, I started crying and said yes and Chris said yes. He asked and this is not something that can be repaired with counseling and I said yes, but Chris choked. He said “I mean…I guess not at this point. Yeah, not right now. Yes” It was encouraging to me to see his hesitancy.

When we walked out, Chris was asking a lot of questions to me. Why am I keeping my last name? What is Steve’s last name (who has only just been a friend and who I have stopped talking to, but he doesn’t know that). He was telling me about Emily (his girlfriend). I told him I don’t want to talk about Steve or Emily and that I am not celebrating this day. He said he isn’t either, but he is glad it’s over. “Not our marriage…I just mean I am glad that court is finished.”

We crossed the street together and I couldn’t stop crying. I put my arm in his arm and he pulled me close and said “I know”. When we got to my car, I turned and hugged him and he hugged me back and patted my back. Then I left.

We agreed to meet so he could see the kids and we took them out to a bunch of places. We had fun and I made a decision to be joyful instead of sad and I was. We had a legitimately fun time.

When it was time for him to go, he got the kids in the car and came specifically back to me to hug me. It was a really sweet lingering hug and he said “fresh start right?” And I said “yeah”.

I guess it was good. I am grateful, because God was with me and gave me strength and the right words and actions. I am grateful, because I saw real remorse and a sense of loss from him. I am grateful, because he can see to a degree that these are consequences for his actions. That I am not his enemy. That I will do what I said I will do and not be evil or malicious towards him. That he is going to try to do the same.

And I am grateful to God, because He has given me a promise for the future and even though I have no idea how he is going to restore our family and our marriage, I trust Him and I know he will do what he has promised to do. He can and he wants to. I know that he will.

This is a season of heartbreak, but though the sorrow may last for the night, the joy comes with the morning. I don’t know what God is planning, but I know it is good. And I am grateful to see that somewhere in my ex husband, there is still a soft heart for his ex wife and his family.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Psalm 21

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“(Sharon) rejoices in your strength, Lord. How great is (her) joy in the victories you give!”

Lord, truly I am rejoicing in this victory. Although I like Steve a lot, you allowed the infatuation to wear off easily, without me having to find reasons to hate him. Truly, we can just be friends. One small step at a time in the right direction, God you have put me back on course.

”You have granted (Sharon her) heart’s desires and have not withheld the request of her lips.”

God, I know that you will break Chris’s heart, heal him, and bring him home. I know, because I see you filling me with great joy and peace, despite being the in battle still. You helped me and gave me the strength to choose you, over tempting option number 2 and gave me just enough strength and your will to push past that breaker and into clear, blue, open waters. I am so exited Lord. As you and I both say “full steam ahead.” We are back on track for restoration. For your best plan.

”Through the victories you gave, (Sharon’s) glory is great.” God, my ministry will come from your glories and the victories you have given me. I don’t have to do anything for it except trust you with all of my heart.

“Surely you have granted (Sharon) unending blessings and made (her) glad with the joy of your presence.”

I am so glad. My joy feels like summer and Christmas mixed together. I don’t have to say anything to Chris or do anything. I am finished with “getting updates”. I don’t care. He is in your hands God. Break him and mold him.

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“For (Sharon) trusts in the Lord. Through the unfailing love of the Most High (she) will not be shaken.”

Yes Lord, because of your unfailing love I will no longer veer off course. No more storms if no more “updates”. No more needing him if God and others are feeding my soul. No more sadness or sorrow. It is time to be free of the storms and rejoice in the Lord. Rejoice in the open seas. This journey will take many more years, but I will continue to see your hand on it, again and again. I will not fall to chaos or destruction. You are so good Lord.

“You hand will lay hold on all your enemies; your right hand will seize your foes. When you appear for battle, you will burn them up as in a blazing furnace. The Lord will swallow them up in his wrath and his fire will consume them. You will destroy their descendants from the earth, their posterity from mankind.”

You are going to destroy him, his girlfriend and any of their children they may conceive. His heart will be broken, because he seeks the world instead of you. His family, his girlfriend and children, will suffer and die for what he has planted now. I feel so sorry for them, but Lord this is your justice. Your mercy on me and our children. Lord, this woman stole him from us. She is with a married man and she knows that. He was with me 1 week before he started dating her. Lord, I feel sorry for her, because she may be the victim of his decisions, but she will be the victim of her own decisions too. She knows he is married and she is choosing him anyways.

”Though they plot evil against you, and devise wicked schemes, they cannot succeed. You will make them turn their back when you aim at them with drawn bow.”

Lord, he will despise you and be completely away from you and you will destroy him. Then you will rescue him. There is a lot of work still, but God, you will not forget him.

”Be exalted in your strength Lord, we will sing and praise your might.”

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Crossroads

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I have a crossroad before me. Although I know where each path leads, still I am looking at the path and desiring the path of least resistance and pain. I’ve been told by the Lord that both paths lead to a blessing, though the harder path leads to greater blessing. If I am being completely transparent, I don’t think I can handle even one more heart ache on this mans behalf. God help me. I know which way your foot is aiming. I want to follow you. I am so weak.

He came to see his kids and get the rest of the divorce paperwork so that he can sign it. He hung out with us for a while in the house and the atmosphere was pleasant, but quickly the conversation turned. He was asking about me. I was asking about him. Every word from his mouth was draining, depressing, and hopeless. He told me about Emily, the latest of his “not girlfriends” who is living in his apartment and cooking for him. I felt Gods great presence with me. I told him that this path he had chosen was foolish and was leading away from God and His plans for his life. Forget me and him for a moment. I see it clearly that he is walking a path that leads to destruction and chaos. Literally he is on the path of death towards hell.

As I asked him what he has doing in attempt to pursue Christ, I saw something that should have shaken me. I felt the presence of the demon on him. It came away from him and sat beside him. As Chris spoke and told me he was praying for the kids, he spoke to the demon. It felt as if he was getting permission to speak. And then it went back into him. It is not a possession, because this man IS a child is God, but it is such a great oppression. Like an extra layer of skin under his skin. It has belittled his true self so low to the point that Chris actually believes the demon is him. He doesn’t think he is capable of change. He is right about that. As Jesus told his disciples, in Mark 9:29 “He replied, ‘This kind can come out only by prayer.'” Only God can break this demon off of him. It was discouraging and depressing and gave me such a sense of hopelessness to be around him, even for just those few minutes. I can’t imagine how depressed and difficult his life is in the world when he is not sitting in a God filled home.

Why am I sharing this heart breaking story? I need you to understand where I am on this crossroad. I need to trust God and I am struggling brothers and sisters.

As much as I can see the demon on the man, I see the man embracing it. Allowing it to be on him. He has accepted it. Like that is who he is. Which is why he is happy to be living with his not girlfriend, have sex, eat her cooking, watch her dog, and pretend that he isn’t cheating. It’s also why it is so hard for me to stand up confidently every day and say “I know God that you will break this off of him!”

Yes, I know it. I know He will. My strong God is certainly strong enough and infinitely stronger then this demon that plagues. But sometimes, I start to believe that because he has embraced it, that it is who he wants to be and who he really is. And God always comes through and sweeps away the lies and reminds me of who God is, who I am, and who Chris is. He always overcomes those thoughts. But sometimes, I just can’t stand looking at the man who fell for the enemy and his lies and made the decision to run away and abadon us.

So now, I am standing at this crossroad. I met a man of God yesterday. No, it is not serious. He is simply a man and we are simply talking, but the Spirit inside him is so attractive. And in this moment, compared to the demon that plagues my husband, I am starting to understand why God told me about the “contingency plan.” That if I got to a place where I was exhausted and I could not continue, that He would have another joy filled marriage for me. But that plan comes without the ministry and without the restoration of the marriage. And right now, it is very tempting. Not evil tempting either, as I said, God promised to bless it if it is what I choose.

So as I am praying through this, I am hearing so many things from God.

“If you decide to go down this path, Sharon, I love you and I will bless you. But if you will stay in the water, in the storm for a little while longer, and NOT veer off to another island, give me back control of this ship, Trust me with All of your heart and Lean Not on your own understanding, I have something better for you.”

I need to Trust God and pray about this.

And this may be followed by months of silence and you may start to doubt. God is at work Just As Much in the silence. Remember that he was in the tomb 3 days in silence. The resurrection is coming. The Lord sees further ahead than we think.

Lord, I am standing at another crossroad. I have to choose between waiting for your salvation of Chris’s soul, for the ministry, and for the restoration of your marriage, or making a detour and settling happily in this island with a new man. God, I know I could be happy here, but I also know this was not your best plan.

If you will trust in the Lord with all your heart and not lean on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him, He will direct your paths. Sharon, you may be choosing the path of harder and greater resistance, but God will bless you with a better plan. The best plan. Lord, I trust you. Give me the courage and strength to take up my cross and persist.

Please pray strength for me brothers and sisters. I want so badly to choose Gods best plan, but emotionally, I am not there. I really want to go to this new man, fall in love, and settle. I need strength. God give me strength.

God, truly this isn’t about what I will “get” out of this life. This is about your divine control of my life. This is who you made me to be. You love me enough to promise blessing, even if I choose not to Trust You! But God, help me to Trust You! I don’t want to wait, because of him. By which I mean I don’t want to wait for him and I also don’t want to wait because of how he is right now. I don’t want to wait for a promise. God, I want to wait because I trust you and even if I did not know the end game, help me wait solely because I love and adore you most. Lord, this is who you made me to be. It is what you have been training and preparing me for.

Mark 10:28 – 31

“Then Peter spoke up, “We have left everything to follow you!”

“Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—along with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.”

Step by Step

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This life doesn’t get fixed overnight. I wish often that it would. In the song “Even If”, he expresses this frustration beautifully.

“I know you’re able and I know you can save through the fire with your mighty hand, but even if you don’t, my hope is you alone.”

Oftentimes, in fact I would say most times, God doesn’t just sweep us up out of the midst of the fire and rescue us in a miraculous blaze of glory. Oh, how I wish He did! But one thing that consistent dieting taught me. You have to celebrate every small victory. Persistence ALWAYS overcomes resistance. ALWAYS! When you lose 1/2 a pound, celebrate it! When you do one extra push up celebrate that! When you have a kind word with your difficult ex, celebrate it. When you child has a good day at school, celebrate it. When you get through a difficult phone call with a customer, celebrate it. Progressively, over time, one small victory at a time, you will see progress. I lost 82 pounds in a year and a half doing weight watchers. That didn’t happen overnight. Lord, if it would have happened overnight, what an amazing blessing that would have been! But honestly, today, I probably would have regained that and plus some. God allows us the small progressions and the little victories so that we can learn to be disciplined and learn to sustain. Not only have I lost the weight, but I’ve been able now to keep it off. Why? Because it wasn’t a fad diet. It was a change in my lifestyle and my discipline. It is a daily choice to say “I will eat this healthier option instead of that less healthy option”, because I have decided to live in this new way.

This is just how life works with God too. One small victory at a time. When a woman paid for my food in the drive thru line, thank you God! I will celebrate that little victory! When my son came skipping happily out of school one day, thank you God for that! I can see that he is full of joy and that makes me so happy. When I got the kids to bed at a decent hour tonight, God I know that is your provision. When $20 more then I was expecting shows up, I know that was you too Lord. Celebrating the small victories is so important, because it helps you track your progress. It gives word to what it really is. A true blessing. And this is God’s way of helping me sustain every day. My daily bread.

So today, I choose to rely on God and God will provide. Then tomorrow, well maybe I’m having a bad day, but God still will provide. I have to look for the silver linings every moment of every day. God’s hand is always in it. All you have to do is look, recognize it for what it truly is – God’s provision, and thank Him. My life has started to shift so much.

And this will overflow into my future too. I don’t know how to be the wife that my some day husband needs. Not yet. But every day, I am getting one day closer to the promise. Every day that passes is one more day to learn how to be the wife that he will need. Every day is one day closer to my promised land. And today is my chance to have joy. God will give me just enough to sustain me through today, and little by little he is changing my heart. He is creating in me the woman that my someday husband will need.

Matthew 12:31-32

He told them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds come and perch in its branches.”

Levi Lusko made 4 points which are critical to making step by step changes towards the big end goal. First is choose a keystone habit – something that is going to overflow and spill into the rest of your life. Well, my end goal is to someday have a God filled marriage. Right now, in this period of grieving and sadness, that is a far off and hard goal to accomplish.

So I’m taking a very small step first. Point two was to spell it out specifically. My specific, first, small step is to find joy in my daily life. So I am making it a point daily to find 3 things I am grateful for and focus every day on those.

The third point was to track it diligently. It works with weight watchers, so I am sure it works with life too! Making a point to write it down and keep track when things go well or when things don’t.

And then guarding your progress aggressively. For me, this is recognizing my pearls for what they are and making sure I only share them with those who will also recognize their value.

Lord, you are good. I know that daily making an effort to find joy and recognize your hand in my life, I am going to get through this grief and find your glory shining out of me.