Standing for Salvation, Standing for Marriage.

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On October 2, 2017 I filed for divorce.
And I just lost half of you right? So let me explain a little bit to you about what Standing for Marriage means to me. My husband and I have been through so many ups and downs and I won’t sugar coat it by leaving out the details, but I will be sharing those progressively throughout this blog. The overhanging story is that there is an enemy in this world. And that enemy is not flesh and blood.
In 2009, my husband and I started dating and moved in together within a month of dating. It was exciting and fun and we loved spending every moment together. We were best friends. But there is an iniquity in my husbands family and that certainly wasn’t quashed by my willingness to follow the ways of the world. My husband has a sexual addiction. He won’t admit it still, but it is a demon that plagues him and his entire bloodline. In August 2009, my then boyfriend, now husband, and soon to be ex husband moved to Colorado to be closer to my family. Within a month of us moving, I found out he had been flirting with and exchanging inappropriate photos with an ex girlfriend. I was devastated. Reeling. Crying in the shower for days and days. I couldn’t look at him the same. It was the most heart wrenching experience that my naïve mind had ever dealt with and I immediately started scouring the internet and racking my own brain to find a solution to a problem that seemed honestly fixable to me. I mean, he had cheated, because there was obviously something he needed that I wasn’t giving him. Let me just stop here for a moment and let you know that the enemy is a liar. And he uses our weak and vulnerable moments to attack. If I had been closer to the Lord then, I would have realized that God never gives us an okay to sin in an attempt to fix a problem. Truly, in that moment, I believed the enemies lies. That there was something wrong with me and that it was something that I could fix. That I, in my own strength, could fix our relationship.
I am horrified and ashamed of myself for what I did. But I will admit it, because it is part of my testimony, and someone out there might be going through something similar and needs to benefit from my experiences. In college, I had had my bi-sexual stints. Being in a very highly sexualized society, where gay excursions are the norm, it was not unusual for someone to try it and like it. So the enemy used this against me. In my own strength, I suggested to my boyfriend that we try it. Let’s just try a threesome. Lets try swinging. Maybe I am not enough woman for you, but me and another woman might be. Or me and another woman and her husband. Lets just give it a shot. Again friends, I am telling you that it is a lie. The enemy is a liar and if you have gone through that heart break, don’t allow the enemy to continue to drag you down into this pit. It’s not a place you want to go to.
This one time “let’s try it” mentality, fueled by my boyfriends sexual addiction, quickly turned into a lifestyle for us. And I hated it. Every single moment of it. My boyfriend daily checking emails, setting up dates, spending time flirting with “couples” and “singles” to try to “find us some friends”. Even writing about it is making my stomach turn. And maybe you aren’t at this place. Maybe this wasn’t even somewhere you considered. I beg you not to. It only leads to destruction. Trust me, because I’ve been down that road. Romans 6:23a “For the wages of sin is death”.
The point of sharing this is to show you that we are human. That I have to own my mistakes just as much as my husband has to own his. But in 2014, after I found out about my husbands newest of many physical and emotional affairs, something in me snapped. I was broken. I had tried all that the world could offer me to fix this and nothing worked. I was powerless to stop this train wreck that was my life. The enemy had even whispered suicidal thoughts to me. It was either that or take it to God. Thank you Jesus, thank you every single day for the rest of my life that you broke through and helped me to take it to God. Romans 6:23b “but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”
Standing for marriage for me started that day in April 2014. Standing on a promise that God made to me that one day, my marriage will be restored and that my husband will be made into a new creation too. I rededicated my life to Christ in 2014. I started reading his word. I started praying. I started hearing his voice in my spirit and listening to it. I started recognizing the enemies voice too and screening out the lies. And one day, God has promised that he will capture my prodigal husbands heart too and do the same thing. That he will make him into a new creation. 2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come”.
Standing for salvation means that one day, God will draw my husband back to himself. Standing for marriage means that I am standing on those promises that my marriage will come back together. And in that order. Because until my husband decides to accept the love of Christ, he will not be able to love or even know what real love is from anyone else. Hence, the current looming divorce. Our marriage covenant has been broken. My husband has a relationship with another woman right now in fact. But God is bigger than man. He is bigger than sin. He conquered sin with the blood of Christ. And when God says He is going to do something, He will do it. When the Lord does the work he has promised to do in this mans heart, the man will know what real love is. And when he knows what real love is, our marriage will be able to be restored. So this for me is what standing for salvation is. That my great big God will reach out His hand and find this prodigal soul wandering on this earth and bring him back into his fold. And when that happens, He will then do the work necessary to create a new covenant marriage that is based on the Rock. And this for me is what standing for marriage is.

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Where your treasure is

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Matthew 6:19-21 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

There was a young man who invited his older friend to dinner in his home.

They laughed and enjoyed each other’s company, discussing work and life. The young man pointed excitedly to a glittering piece of plastic adorning his mantle. The trophy showed a runner and read “1st place” in carved lettering. He explained about months of hard work, waking up early to run, eating healthy, and training for the race. It was a hard fought victory that paid off!

His guest laughed, admiring the trophy. “I have one of those too.” His host was a little taken aback. This older man was in poor health and quite out of shape. His guest explained. “Mine was a hard fought victory too, but in the end I got the price down from $5 to $2!” They both laughed.

The older gentleman went home that night and the next morning, the young man received a call. His friend had passed in the night from a heart attack. His heart swelled with pain, especially a few days later when his friends widow arrived with a small gift bag. Inside was his friends matching trophy. He placed it proudly on the mantle beside his own, making sure to leave the “$5” orange sticker in its place.

What is the purpose of my stand? At the beginning, I would have confidently told you that marriage restoration was my reason. I realize now that this goal was an idol. A piece of shiny gold plastic to place on the mantle for all to see. What is my real reason for running? Is it really just to get that prize at the end? Or could there be something more to this race?

Philippians 3:2 (Message translation) says, “Steer clear of the barking dogs, those religious busybodies, all bark and no bite. All they’re interested in is appearances.”

Heres the thing. I can put this shiny gold thing up the mantle and have the appearance of a runner who has won a race. In my old marriage, I put the marriage up on the mantle to show the appearance of a pretty family, all put together in our white picket fence. Something I have learned is that appearances don’t matter. I could have the trophy and not have done any of the work to earn it and I have nothing. In fact, the word tells us that those who gain by short cutting will lose everything.

Job 27:16-17 says it like this, “Though he heaps up silver like dust and clothes like piles of clay, what he lays up the righteous will wear, and the innocent will divide his silver.”

Proverbs 13:22 says “A good person leaves an inheritance for their children’s children, but a sinner’s wealth is stored up for the righteous.”

I have to understand in my stand that my goal is not the trophy. I am not doing all of this work, training, exercising, getting up early, eating right, running so that I can get a piece of plastic. The plastic is a trophy to remind me of the victory. I am doing it for the victory.

In my life, I am not standing for my marriage for the sake of the prize – the restored marriage. Though that trophy is nice and will look great on my mantle and I will proudly display it when it is won, my reason for this race must be something more.

My reason that I run this race is for the relationship with Christ. For myself. For those around me who will be impacted by my journey. Because I love the Lord.

When I am in training, my Spirit is becoming strengthened. My relationship with the Lord is growing deeper. Just like our runner is becoming more fit. His body is becoming strong through his training. This stand is Spiritual training.

Paul goes on in Philippians 3 to say, “The real believers are the ones the Spirit of God leads to work away at this ministry, filling the air with Christ’s praise as we do it. We couldn’t carry this off by our own efforts, and we know it—even though we can list what many might think are impressive credentials…The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I’m tearing up and throwing out with the trash—along with everything else I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I’ve dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him. I didn’t want some petty, inferior brand of righteousness that comes from keeping a list of rules when I could get the robust kind that comes from trusting Christ—God’srighteousness.

I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself. If there was any way to get in on the resurrection from the dead, I wanted to do it.”

The fact is, as the young man learned in our story, this piece of plastic was pretty valueless in the scheme of things. It meant much to him, but by itself, was worth practically nothing and could be purchased by anyone. The value of it came in the work put in to accomplish the goal. The trophy was a reminder of that accomplishment – the journey. The growth. The work it took to get to the victory is what mattered. Not the reminder on the mantle.

And don’t make a mistake. I want the trophy, my marriage restored. I would love to win this race. I am fully confident that with Christ, I will. But I realize that I am not running this race for that trophy. This race is being run for me and my relationship with the Lord. This race has given me a beautiful love with the Lord. I am running, even if I never get the trophy at the end, because I love the Lord. Because of the spiritual growth. Because of our relationship. Because of His plans for my life.

And another thing to remember is that our runner, in the end, had his physical health. We will at the end of our stand have our spiritual health, but easily we could lose focus and forget our routines and lose it. With that trophy adoring his mantle, the runner could easily be satisfied and give up his training and become the same as his guest.

Lets not only run the race towards restoration, growing Spiritually as we run, but let’s set our minds to continue even after the victory is won. Let’s make sure that the trophy adorning the mantle at the end of this race will inspire us to keep going on to win new victories, not leave us content and lazy.

Like Paul in 2 Timothy 4:7, I want to say that “ I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”

Kept the faith.

Not just run for a goal, but run for my growing relationship with the Lord. Not just win my victory and put my prize on the mantle, but keep my faith and Spiritual growth by continuing to pursue Christ all the days of my life.

Israel’s Battle

 

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Israel opened her eyes, pushing aside a bit of the dirt beneath her feet. She breathed out a sigh as a drop of sweat slipped between the creases in her eyebrows. “My victory is in Jesus name.” She clenched her fist and then she stood. The dust of the floor whipped around her feet. The chain metal clinked as she rose. She shook her long brown hair behind her head and pulled a helmet into its proper place. Her fist clenched tighter around the sword and she sunk it into its sheath on her belt.

Then she knelt down and pressed her hands against her Bible. “This is how I fight my battles.” And she closed her eyes tightly and turned her head toward heaven.

“You told me to get out of your way. You told me, once you had moved me, to be still and know that you are God. You are in control. I gave you my precious seed. I gave you what meant the most to me. I gave it to you Lord, because you promised to plant it and make it grow. I’m still mourning it’s burial, but I know it wasn’t a funeral. I know you are working in the places I can’t see. Now you’re calling me to the front line. Not to fight, but to stand firm and shout insults at the enemy and watch as you slaughter him. I still trust you! I am going.”

And she rose up from her knees and pushed all the sweat that had beaded on her forehead aside. A breath of air braced her as she pulled the curtain of her tent back. It was time. She stepped into the chill of the cloudy day. One other tent stood beside her and the woman inside stepped out also. They’re eyes met and they both smiled, determined blazes filling their eyes.

Israel walked forward and all of her fears fell away from her with each step that she took. She felt herself getting lighter and lighter, almost like she could float. As she walked, her friend blazed a trail beside her too. Soon though, Israel was aware of another. Then another. Friends. Allies. They weren’t alone. What was one, became two. Two became five. Five turned into fifteen. Then forty. Then hundreds. Israel couldn’t see the number anymore, but she heard the roar of an army all around her. She knew she was far from alone. That all of these people had joined her to fight alongside her. To die if necessary, but to be obedient to God’s calling in their lives. Somehow, her faith had sparked a fire that had jumped from heart to heart.

Fear was replaced with courage. Tears of sorrow were replaced with tears of joy. Doubt was replaced with faith. Overwhelming faith. God was really with them. He was with her. She could hear him in the roar of the army around her. She could feel him in the brace of the air that whipped her. She could see him in the sky above her. A shining rainbow, twinkling just above the horizon of the distant cliffs. And she knew He had somehow, miraculously, assembled this army around her. He was using her! Just like he had promised all those years ago to. He was keeping every single promise to her and she knew.

“It’s only a matter of time, sweet daughter. Just be patient. I will do what I promised to do.”

A smile cracked across her lips and she looked to the sky. “Thank you!” she shouted as she charged forward towards the front lines, shouts of strength around her as they followed. Die if she must, but she knew God was working and His plans for her were best.

“And you won’t have to fight this battle. Just stand firm and see my glory come. I will fight for you.”

TheLordWillFight

 

He is moving

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I haven’t written in a while, but I need to update yall. Truthfully, I don’t even know what to say, except that God is incredibly strong and He is at work. I do see it!

Saturday was horrible and amazing all rolled into one. Chris was going to see the kids for the first time this whole summer. Since May 20. I was scared and worried about the kids. He wanted to take them to the amusement park in Denver and was going to drive down to pick them up (an hour between he and I) and take them all the way back to go, then bring them home afterwards. I really thought it was a ploy. Either he was going to come to the house and hang out for 6 hours or he was going to take them back up so they could meet his girlfriend. Either way was scary, because God has told me to “Remain in hiding”. I’m not supposed to see Chris at all right now.

I had a dream Friday night. In the dream, I drove up with my sister, a friend from high school, and two other friends that I couldn’t see their faces but I know they were friends. We all went into his apartment which overwhelmed him, because he wasn’t expecting all those people. He asked me to come out alone so he could show me something and I went. He started showing me the apartment building and we were walking through some café place when a woman called out to him and he said oh and went and gave her a hug. Another woman came behind him and hugged him and he hugged her back too. I mouthed across the room to him “is that Emily?” And he said yes and I ran. He called when I was on the elevator and said where am I? He and Emily are coming to see the kids. I said no absolutely not and ran to his room and loaded my kids and all the friends into the car to run away. While I was in the apartment though, I felt God telling me to let this go and let her meet them. I woke up from the dream.

I went to my prayer room and started praying. I asked God “she is going to have to meet them isn’t she?” and I got a verse in Proverbs 23:10 – 11, titled “Saying 11”

Do not move an ancient boundary stone

or encroach on the fields of the fatherless,

for their Defender is strong;

he will take up their case against you.

So I remembered that the boundary we set for our children was that we would not go out with a person of the opposite sex with our kids unless it was in a group setting. Not that my kids won’t meet her, but that it would be only on these terms. And I realized that I have been trying to protect my kids by moving the boundary stones out further to keep them protected better and that God was asking me to give this up and let God protect them. So I said okay. I will give up control and lay my kids on the alter and know that God is protecting them. I was scared, but I trust God and know he will protect them. Really, that is one of the hardest sacrifices God has asked me to make yet, and one of the quickest decisions of “yes!” that I have ever answered. He is building my trust in Him!

Christian got up then and I asked him does he want to go see his dad still today. He said he wants to go to the amusement park, but can they go next Saturday instead and I was so relieved. I felt like that was immediate confirmation of Gods protection.

I texted Chris to tell him he wants to go next weekend, not this weekend. Chris said okay he still wants to see the kids and he is coming down and will take them jumping at sky zone. I said okay to text when he is on the way. He texted then and said he knows I will say no, but he is going to ask anyways. He thinks I should come. I didn’t answer. I knew I wasn’t supposed to see him, so when he said he was close, I told him to get them from my parents house. He responded okay, but that I will get my child support money when he sees me. I told him no to just leave it with my parents and thank you for that. It helps me a lot. He was angry and said why would I do this to him? He doesn’t want to associate with my family and I am being childish. That I should be adult enough to make my own decisions. I so desperately wanted to tell him that this is my decision and I don’t want to see him, but God has been clear with me that I need to not even let Chris on at all to where I am emotionally or tell him anything of what is happening in my life, so I didn’t. I answered would he prefer my sister bring them to him and he answered no he wants me to meet him.

Then he said he was at my parents and where was I? My dad called and said Chris came to the door and he invited him in, but Chris said no he would wait in his car. Then he took off. I texted and told Chris I was on the way and Chris said to have whoever meet him at the grocery store down the street. He was mad.

I got them to my dad and my dad took them to meet Chris. Amazingly, Chris gave the money to my dad. My dad said he doesn’t hold anything against him and the family cares about him. He’s these kids dad and he should see them. Chris told him this is awkward.

I left my parents. I was going to see a movie, but my aunt called then and said my uncle just passed. I was a crying wreck. I can’t believe it still. I went back to my moms and my sister came over and we all cried together. When Chris arrived to bring them back, I asked my family to deal with him and they got the kids all together and brought them back in. My sister saved me cause I almost answered the door and she swooped in last minute to get it. He told her he would be back Monday. Never discussed that with me, but I didn’t even worry about it, because he lies and he was lying.

The whole day was a ploy for him to try to get what he wants. Started by being kind to manipulate, then angry, then sad, then cutting trying to cut down who I am, then kind again, then trying to plant fear. All of them were tactics and manipulations. None of them worked. I am proud of myself for being strong. I am grateful to God that He gave me the strength and protected me and the kids. And I am seeing God plague him as he said he would. Thank you God, because I know this is all part of God working.

I’ve seen so many more miracles throughout the week since Saturday. I was able to give some really hopeful words to my Aunt who lost her husband suddenly. God reconciled the relationship between me and my ex-sister in law which honestly I did not think was possible! My friends were blessed by encouraging words the Lord gave to me, my sister was strengthened by words the Lord gave me, tonight another friend who lives far from me was encouraged and strengthened. I can’t believe how much God has been doing. And none of it honestly seems to be with Chris, but that is okay. I know he is still drowning in his sin, but my life is not about him. God IS going to do what He promised to do. He WILL save Chris and restore our marriage someday, but right now, I have absolutely no doubts that He is creating the ministry out of me. Right now. In this moment.

Pray for me please. I am leading DivorceCare at my church this semester, starting September 4. I am very excited, but so sad for those who will be joining the class. Divorce is horrible. I can’t imagine something worse and I am still in the middle of this battle. God uses those of us though with the weapons forged through the trials of life, to lift up others going through the same fire. I know He was the one who orchestrated me being a leader in this class and because of that, He will use this for His glory. He is so good!

Love Will Come

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for sharing this! It is complete confirmation to me for where God has placed me in this place in my life! Soulmates meet for they have the same hiding place. AMEN!

Vistas of Hope

Dear Someone,

This letter is for you, you that is desperately seeking love and at the same time desperately avoiding it. You that is searching for a darker place to hide because you sometimes wish you were more than you are right now. You that’s finding it hard to love with a heart that’s hurting. You that’s hoping that you never have to say goodbye to the next person you fall in love with. You that’s desperately seeking for approvals and wherever it comes from. You that’s brutally broken and seeking for another chapter to your story. You that’s feeling hopelessly empty and lonely in that street of life that you have found yourself. This letter is for you!

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My Hiding Place

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This time was strange. It wasn’t like all the last times when God spoke. Usually when He speaks to me, He gives me a vision of something going on in my life, followed by confirmation of the step He is asking me to take. He begins confirming it in his word, through sermons, through my friends and family, in situations. I see clearly. Not only what He is doing, but where He is planning on going with this. I never realized how dependent I have been on Him speaking in precise and clear ways to me. I know I have great faith, but when God tells you this is the next step, then you take it and you see Him do what He said He would do. Well it’s amazing, but does it really qualify as faith when you follow a clear direction?

This time was different. This time He spoke differently. So I have been wrestling and full of doubt. But God is faithful, even when we doubt and I realize now that I am exactly where He wants me to be.

My ex called me in May and told me he couldn’t decide between me and his girlfriend. That he loves me and wants to be with me, but he feels he needs to be there for her, because she has no one else. This after him trying ever so hard to isolate me from my parents, my siblings, and my friends. He said his friend has told him that this is a difficult situation and someone is going to get hurt. But God had already prepared me for the rejection. He had given me a dream about it and I expected that it was coming. My answer was “I am a queen, Christ’s bride. I am a pineapple – not pineapple chunks. I am valuable and worth having a husband who sees me that way. Me and my kids. I won’t allow you to keep treating us this way. So go, be with her. I don’t want you like this.” He was shocked, but that is what I felt God has been doing. Building up my strength and making me realize my value.

Three days later, came Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” I can’t be a good mom. I can’t be a good leader in my church or my business. I can’t be a good daughter or sister if my heart is not guarded. And I have let a man full of wickedness into my heart for far too long. So I stepped out of the way and promised God that I would stop talking to him completely. It was weird, because usually God gives me the direction and then confirms it with a verse. This time, it was a verse first that I felt strong peace over.

I have been wrestling with it, because I feel that it is cruel. It is completely outside of my character to do anything that he would perceive as “harming him”. Truth be told, I am not harming him. I am protecting myself and my kids. He won’t see it that way. He doesn’t see it that way. A few days ago (several months since we have talked), he finally realized that we haven’t been talking. He called and I didn’t answer. It was the 3rd time he has called in 2 months. When I didn’t answer he texted “It’s not right”. I wanted to scream at him and shout across the rooftops. “NO IT’S DEFINITELY NOT RIGHT! It’s not right that you flew to Thailand to have ANOTHER affair. It’s not right that I spent 9 years trying to change myself so that you would love me more and not feel the need to chase other women. It’s not right that my kids have had to be exposed to your sin. It’s not right that when I started pursuing God, you told me I was going overboard. It’s not right that after 9 years and at least 15 affairs later, I finally got the nerve to file for divorce and you did nothing to fight for us. It’s not right that you pretended like you wanted to try to make things work and that as soon as I slept with you, you found yourself another woman AGAIN. It’s not right that when we made another attempt to repair our relationship after the divorce was final, that you decided you still wanted to live in sin with your girlfriend instead of coming home to your family. It’s not right that you continue to live in sin, but then expect us to be available at your beck and call, the moment you start to feel a little sad. It’s not right that you keep reaching into our lives, trying to pull us down, while you live the life you live. That isn’t right. What is right is that I’ve chosen to obey God, even though it pains me. I’ve chosen to stay out of His way, as He has called me for years to do. I have chosen to stop being the enabler of your wicked ways. I’ve chosen to let God put His hand on this situation and do what only He can do. And even though you and the world may perceive it as mean, God perceives it as right. He told me that my feelings can be hurt and I can be obedient, or I can enable you again by reaching out, but be disobedient. So even though I don’t understand what God is doing or why He has told me not to talk to you anymore, I am choosing to obey Him regardless. I don’t need to understand what God is doing. I just need to obey.”

I’m sure it’s needless to say that I didn’t say any of that. Instead I just closed the text and moved on with my day. But God gave me this amazing verse as confirmation.

Isaiah 8:11-15

“God spoke strongly to me, grabbed me with both hands and warned me not to go along with this people. He said:

Don’t be like this people,
    always afraid somebody is plotting against them.
Don’t fear what they fear.
    Don’t take on their worries.
If you’re going to worry,
    worry about The Holy. Fear God-of-the-Angel-Armies.
The Holy can be either a Hiding Place
    or a Boulder blocking your way,
The Rock standing in the willful way
    of both houses of Israel,
A barbed-wire Fence preventing trespass
    to the citizens of Jerusalem.
Many of them are going to run into that Rock
    and get their bones broken,
Get tangled up in that barbed wire
    and not get free of it.'”

 

God has put me and my kids in this Hiding Place. The word he continues to give me is “Remain”. He is our hiding place and for Chris, he is a Boulder blocking his way. Chris can not trespass on our land anymore. I spoke to my friend about this and she confirmed it for me too. I am an enabler. I always have been and Chris is very well aware of that. This is why this command is especially hard for me. Because my nature, my character, tells me to give him what he wants as an act of kindness and service, but the Lord is telling me right now to fight against my flesh nature and to obey Him, going against what I would naturally do. It is not to be unloving or unkind. It is to be obedient and stay out of Gods way. God has work to do and I keep standing in his way constantly. But Chris will run into this boulder and his bones will break. He will not be able to get back in to the city until he has found the Lord.

Proberbs 2:20-22

“Thus you will walk in the ways of the good and keep to the paths of the righteous.

For the upright will live in the land, and the blameless will remain in it;

but the wicked will be cut off from the land, and the unfaithful will be torn from it.”

 

I want to justify myself to his family and to him. That is the greatest struggle for me, but they should know me well enough at this point to know that if I am behaving in one way, it is not to be cruel, but because God has called me to do that. I don’t think they realize that. I am sure they believe I am being cruel. Still…that very in Isaiah, God has told me not to fear what they fear. Not to worry that they are plotting against me. So I am trying to give that back to God. He will make this right in His ways and His ways are always best.

The other night, God gave me an explanation of something I have experienced for a long time, but never understood. He showed me it in a way that makes complete sense. Every time the kids and I get around my ex, it’s as if I can not hear God anymore. Like there is a block between me and God and I have never understood it, because surely God is strong enough to break through a demonic barrier to speak to me if He wants to. But the picture He showed me was me and my kids standing in the light of Gods presence and glory. And Chris standing on the other side in the dark shadow of the demon. Whenever Chris calls to us and we come, we are walking out of God’s light and into the darkness towards Chris. We are welcoming the darkness into our lives. The reason I can’t hear the Lord or feel his presence is because we have wandered outside of Him. This is why God is calling me to REMAIN. Remain in the light. Remain in Him, my hiding place. When we remain here long enough, eventually God will speak to Chris’s heart and draw him into God’s presence, into the light. When he has done that, I will be able to continue to hear God’s voice and be in His presence and also Chris will be there with us too. We are not supposed to go to him in the darkness. He is supposed to come to us in God’s light. It was another confirmation that God has definitely called me to remain in hiding right now.

This is a struggle. It’s not easy. It’s much easier though than the divorce was. It’s much less a sacrifice then any I have made so far. God has promised me that the worst of it for me is over. The worst of it for Chris has just begun. He is beginning to drown in his sin. It is only a matter of time before God does what he promised to do. To reach down into the ocean of sin and take Chris by the hand; to break the chains off of him and pull his drowned body from the depths; to breathe his breath, the Holy Spirit, into him and revive him back to life in Christ; to disperse the sin around him and make a way for Chris to walk on dry land. God is going to do all of these things and I am certain of this.

Lord you are able and you can save through the fire with your mighty hand. I won’t even say even if you don’t, because I know what you have promised and I have full faith in what you have said. You can Lord and you want to, so I know that you will!

Isaiah 8:16-18

Gather up the testimony,
    preserve the teaching for my followers,
While I wait for God as long as he remains in hiding,
    while I wait and hope for him.
I stand my ground and hope,
    I and the children God gave me as signs to Israel,
Warning signs and hope signs from God-of-the-Angel-Armies,
    who makes his home in Mount Zion.

The Lord is my portion

Psalm16

I am yours! That is who I am!

Last night, God gave me this amazing realization. I was thinking of Chris and how we used to be at night. When we would cuddle in the bed and how he felt against me, when he put his arms around me, or when he held my hand. It was always good and I loved it, but when I started to remember it, it was like I could feel him there with me and it was so empty!

I would feel him against me and then at some point I would have enough of that. I would hold his hand or his arm, but he would often withdraw. Often, I would hold his arm as a way of controlling him. I remember how soft his lips were and his smell. It was amazing, but then I look at You Lord. I remember your Spirit with me and what he gave me was nothing in comparison to you!

I remember when you moved in my soul. I remember and I realize I don’t need a husband to complete me. I want one, but I don’t need him to complete my testimony of joy. How can I be a bad testimony for the Lord when my story is victory and joy? Yes, I want my husband home and that is a desire, but I don’t need to be victorious in my marriage. I have victory with the Lord.

Lord, I know who I am. I am yours! That is who I am.

Proverbs 31:25 “She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future.”

She is clothed in strength and dignity. Why? Because she is the Lords! She laughs without fearing the future. How? Because she knows her future is Him! He is eternal. He never abandons her. He always loves her. She can’t drive him off! She is his queen and she knows it! Lord you love me! There is no wall you won’t kick down or lie you won’t tear down coming after me. You come after me fiercely like a lion and you love me ferociously. You pursue me, because you love me.

I have exactly what I want. I have a husband who loves me exactly as I am and that’s God. You adore me Lord! And while I want Chris home still, he is a shadow in comparison to what I have with you. Even when I get him back, he is never going to match up to you or give me what you give me. I’m so much better now then I was back then. I didn’t lose a thing when what I lost was empty and without you. Instead, I gained you! I gained the worlds most amazing! So anything more than You is just all these things added. When You give him back to me, that will just be an added blessing, but it won’t compare to what I already have with you. You are the one my soul loves.

It’s fine to want it, but I don’t need it. It is fine to want my husband and my marriage, but I don’t need it. I don’t need a motorbike. I don’t need a boat house. I don’t need a new job. I don’t need a new boyfriend. I don’t need a husband. I just want those things, but I have all I really want and need and I’m so full of joy! You have given me the desires of my heart, because the desire deep inside my heart is You! I love you Lord! I crazy amazing flipping love you. You are so insanely awesome!

And God, you are in the saving business, not me! His salvation is your business, so I’m stepping out of the way and I’m not going to worry about it anymore. You’ve got this. You promised me that you will someday rescue Chris from his sin and bring him back to you. You promised to restore our marriage and build a ministry. You’re going to do it in your time and your way and I don’t have to be your nagging wife anymore. I’m going to get out of the way and let you be God and I’m going to submit. You’ve said you will do it and I trust you and you always do what you say you’re going to do, so I’m going to stop bothering you about it and let you handle it!

I know these desires in my heart are where I bear your image Lord. I long for the desires you have given me, because they are your longing desires too. You want to restore your son to you. You want to restore our marriage. You want to make a ministry in us. Those desires are not something for me to be ashamed of, even here in the middle of the trial, because they are the places that you will show your glory.

Psalm 138:5 “May they sing of the ways of the Lord, for the glory of the Lord is great.”

Lord, you truly have set the boundary lines in pleasant places. You have put me and my kids in the crag of this rock and covered over the entrance with your hand. You are not just our comforter, but our protection too. This crag is beautiful and when my mind wanders to things of this earth, that is when I feel the oppression, but when I fix my eyes on you, I feel such peace and confidence. I’m not afraid. You are protecting us! Lord, you are so good!

I have been so afraid. Like a dog tied to a chair running through the streets, the fear has been chasing me, but you call me to be still. If I do, the loud clanging sounds die out and the chair, instead of being something terrifying that is chasing me, becomes a chair. It’s nothing to be afraid of. I have been scared of Chris coming back from his deployment. I have been scared of having to face him again, but I know the enemy is attacking me there. The devil would like me to stop being still and instead reach out and try to take control again. But Lord, you’ve called me again and again to be still and know that You are God! My sister confirmed this to me too and I am so grateful for that. She told me to be still, to not reach out to my ex, to stand my ground and stay out of God’s way. Be still and give God the space to do his work. The Lord will vindicate me and make this right.

Lord, you love me, you love the kids, and you love Chris and you always will. This is why you are in hot pursuit of Chris, but also even more then that, why you are in hot pursuit of me and my kids. You love us! You will not abandon the work you have done. Even when it is finished, you will protect it. God you are so amazingly good.

I have stepped forward, away from the canyon. Away from Chris, husband, ex husband, sin, shame, guilt, fear. I am walking quickly with joy, forward. Leaping forward!

Romans 16:20 “The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you.”

You give peace and soon, you will defeat Satan and give me power over him. You will give Chris power over him. You will restore our family and give my children power over him. Soon.

Lord, thank you. My portion is you and the boundary lines have certainly fallen in pleasant places!

God can and He wants to so He will.

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Lord, somehow you are going to overwhelm Chris. He will wake up and realize he has hit rock bottom and there is no where else to go. And then you will go to him and tell him that you love him and this isn’t the life he is supposed to have.

Zaccheus made the best of his situation, but it was not a good life and when you came and spoke to him, he realized it wasn’t the life he wanted. Chris will be the same. He has made the best of his situation, but it is not a good life and when you speak to him, he will see that this isn’t the life he wants and will change.

He fell. I saw him fall and I didn’t turn away until he was close to the water, but you turned me away. You took me in your arms and he has hit the water now. He is drowning in his sin now. I am sure of it, though I will not watch it.

He is in the water and it will be soon. Soon Lord. Soon he will start to drown. Soon he will see you standing over him. Soon he will reach up toward you. Soon you will drag him out of the water. Soon you will break the chains of addiction from him. Soon you will breathe your life into him. Soon he will be filled with your Spirit. Soon you will help him to stand on the water. Soon you will disperse the sin all away from him. Soon you will help him to continue this journey on dry ground. Soon he will pick up his armor on the way. Soon he will reach the promised land. Soon he will search for me and our kids. Soon you will restore our family. It will all happen soon and much faster then I am expecting.

I know it will happen. It’s not a matter of will it happen. It will. There is no doubt because you have made me a promise. I have seen so much happen already. More then half of the vision has already happened. So I know with no doubt that it will happen and the only thing you have called me to do is have faith in your plans, to trust you, to pray for him, to stand out of your way and be still, to stand my ground there, to follow after you. That’s what you need from me. My active obedience of pursuing you.

Lord, thank you! What an easy and enjoyable task you have given me. God, do what you’ve promised to do. Whatever you have to do, rescue Chris! Bring my husband home. Bring Christian and Naomi’s dad home. Bring him home changed – filled with your Spirit, in love and on fire for you and let that burning love for you last for all of his life and all of my life and all of our childrens lives. Let it be an inheritance passed on in the generations. Let it be a legacy spread out like wildfire to everyone around us. Let us be a ministry for you. Let our story light your fire in others hearts.