On October 2, 2017 I filed for divorce.
And I just lost half of you right? So let me explain a little bit to you about what Standing for Marriage means to me. My husband and I have been through so many ups and downs and I won’t sugar coat it by leaving out the details, but I will be sharing those progressively throughout this blog. The overhanging story is that there is an enemy in this world. And that enemy is not flesh and blood.
In 2009, my husband and I started dating and moved in together within a month of dating. It was exciting and fun and we loved spending every moment together. We were best friends. But there is an iniquity in my husbands family and that certainly wasn’t quashed by my willingness to follow the ways of the world. My husband has a sexual addiction. He won’t admit it still, but it is a demon that plagues him and his entire bloodline. In August 2009, my then boyfriend, now husband, and soon to be ex husband moved to Colorado to be closer to my family. Within a month of us moving, I found out he had been flirting with and exchanging inappropriate photos with an ex girlfriend. I was devastated. Reeling. Crying in the shower for days and days. I couldn’t look at him the same. It was the most heart wrenching experience that my naïve mind had ever dealt with and I immediately started scouring the internet and racking my own brain to find a solution to a problem that seemed honestly fixable to me. I mean, he had cheated, because there was obviously something he needed that I wasn’t giving him. Let me just stop here for a moment and let you know that the enemy is a liar. And he uses our weak and vulnerable moments to attack. If I had been closer to the Lord then, I would have realized that God never gives us an okay to sin in an attempt to fix a problem. Truly, in that moment, I believed the enemies lies. That there was something wrong with me and that it was something that I could fix. That I, in my own strength, could fix our relationship.
I am horrified and ashamed of myself for what I did. But I will admit it, because it is part of my testimony, and someone out there might be going through something similar and needs to benefit from my experiences. In college, I had had my bi-sexual stints. Being in a very highly sexualized society, where gay excursions are the norm, it was not unusual for someone to try it and like it. So the enemy used this against me. In my own strength, I suggested to my boyfriend that we try it. Let’s just try a threesome. Lets try swinging. Maybe I am not enough woman for you, but me and another woman might be. Or me and another woman and her husband. Lets just give it a shot. Again friends, I am telling you that it is a lie. The enemy is a liar and if you have gone through that heart break, don’t allow the enemy to continue to drag you down into this pit. It’s not a place you want to go to.
This one time “let’s try it” mentality, fueled by my boyfriends sexual addiction, quickly turned into a lifestyle for us. And I hated it. Every single moment of it. My boyfriend daily checking emails, setting up dates, spending time flirting with “couples” and “singles” to try to “find us some friends”. Even writing about it is making my stomach turn. And maybe you aren’t at this place. Maybe this wasn’t even somewhere you considered. I beg you not to. It only leads to destruction. Trust me, because I’ve been down that road. Romans 6:23a “For the wages of sin is death”.
The point of sharing this is to show you that we are human. That I have to own my mistakes just as much as my husband has to own his. But in 2015, after I found out about my husbands newest of many physical and emotional affairs, something in me snapped. I was broken. I had tried all that the world could offer me to fix this and nothing worked. I was powerless to stop this train wreck that was my life. The enemy had even whispered suicidal thoughts to me. It was either that or take it to God. Thank you Jesus, thank you every single day for the rest of my life that you broke through and helped me to take it to God. Romans 6:23b “but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”
Standing for marriage for me started that day in April 2015. Standing on a promise that God made to me that one day, my marriage will be restored and that my husband will be made into a new creation too. I rededicated my life to Christ in 2015. I started reading his word. I started praying. I started hearing his voice in my spirit and listening to it. I started recognizing the enemies voice too and screening out the lies. And one day, God has promised that he will capture my prodigal husbands heart too and do the same thing. That he will make him into a new creation. 2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come”.
Standing for salvation means that one day, God will draw my husband back to himself. Standing for marriage means that I am standing on those promises that my marriage will come back together. And in that order. Because until my husband decides to accept the love of Christ, he will not be able to love or even know what real love is from anyone else. Hence, the current looming divorce. Our marriage covenant has been broken. My husband has a relationship with another woman right now in fact. But God is bigger than man. He is bigger than sin. He conquered sin with the blood of Christ. And when God says He is going to do something, He will do it. When the Lord does the work he has promised to do in this mans heart, the man will know what real love is. And when he knows what real love is, our marriage will be able to be restored. So this for me is what standing for salvation is. That my great big God will reach out His hand and find this prodigal soul wandering on this earth and bring him back into his fold. And when that happens, He will then do the work necessary to create a new covenant marriage that is based on the Rock. And this for me is what standing for marriage is.