Standing for Salvation, Standing for Marriage.

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On October 2, 2017 I filed for divorce.
And I just lost half of you right? So let me explain a little bit to you about what Standing for Marriage means to me. My husband and I have been through so many ups and downs and I won’t sugar coat it by leaving out the details, but I will be sharing those progressively throughout this blog. The overhanging story is that there is an enemy in this world. And that enemy is not flesh and blood.
In 2009, my husband and I started dating and moved in together within a month of dating. It was exciting and fun and we loved spending every moment together. We were best friends. But there is an iniquity in my husbands family and that certainly wasn’t quashed by my willingness to follow the ways of the world. My husband has a sexual addiction. He won’t admit it still, but it is a demon that plagues him and his entire bloodline. In August 2009, my then boyfriend, now husband, and soon to be ex husband moved to Colorado to be closer to my family. Within a month of us moving, I found out he had been flirting with and exchanging inappropriate photos with an ex girlfriend. I was devastated. Reeling. Crying in the shower for days and days. I couldn’t look at him the same. It was the most heart wrenching experience that my naïve mind had ever dealt with and I immediately started scouring the internet and racking my own brain to find a solution to a problem that seemed honestly fixable to me. I mean, he had cheated, because there was obviously something he needed that I wasn’t giving him. Let me just stop here for a moment and let you know that the enemy is a liar. And he uses our weak and vulnerable moments to attack. If I had been closer to the Lord then, I would have realized that God never gives us an okay to sin in an attempt to fix a problem. Truly, in that moment, I believed the enemies lies. That there was something wrong with me and that it was something that I could fix. That I, in my own strength, could fix our relationship.
I am horrified and ashamed of myself for what I did. But I will admit it, because it is part of my testimony, and someone out there might be going through something similar and needs to benefit from my experiences. In college, I had had my bi-sexual stints. Being in a very highly sexualized society, where gay excursions are the norm, it was not unusual for someone to try it and like it. So the enemy used this against me. In my own strength, I suggested to my boyfriend that we try it. Let’s just try a threesome. Lets try swinging. Maybe I am not enough woman for you, but me and another woman might be. Or me and another woman and her husband. Lets just give it a shot. Again friends, I am telling you that it is a lie. The enemy is a liar and if you have gone through that heart break, don’t allow the enemy to continue to drag you down into this pit. It’s not a place you want to go to.
This one time “let’s try it” mentality, fueled by my boyfriends sexual addiction, quickly turned into a lifestyle for us. And I hated it. Every single moment of it. My boyfriend daily checking emails, setting up dates, spending time flirting with “couples” and “singles” to try to “find us some friends”. Even writing about it is making my stomach turn. And maybe you aren’t at this place. Maybe this wasn’t even somewhere you considered. I beg you not to. It only leads to destruction. Trust me, because I’ve been down that road. Romans 6:23a “For the wages of sin is death”.
The point of sharing this is to show you that we are human. That I have to own my mistakes just as much as my husband has to own his. But in 2014, after I found out about my husbands newest of many physical and emotional affairs, something in me snapped. I was broken. I had tried all that the world could offer me to fix this and nothing worked. I was powerless to stop this train wreck that was my life. The enemy had even whispered suicidal thoughts to me. It was either that or take it to God. Thank you Jesus, thank you every single day for the rest of my life that you broke through and helped me to take it to God. Romans 6:23b “but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”
Standing for marriage for me started that day in April 2014. Standing on a promise that God made to me that one day, my marriage will be restored and that my husband will be made into a new creation too. I rededicated my life to Christ in 2014. I started reading his word. I started praying. I started hearing his voice in my spirit and listening to it. I started recognizing the enemies voice too and screening out the lies. And one day, God has promised that he will capture my prodigal husbands heart too and do the same thing. That he will make him into a new creation. 2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come”.
Standing for salvation means that one day, God will draw my husband back to himself. Standing for marriage means that I am standing on those promises that my marriage will come back together. And in that order. Because until my husband decides to accept the love of Christ, he will not be able to love or even know what real love is from anyone else. Hence, the current looming divorce. Our marriage covenant has been broken. My husband has a relationship with another woman right now in fact. But God is bigger than man. He is bigger than sin. He conquered sin with the blood of Christ. And when God says He is going to do something, He will do it. When the Lord does the work he has promised to do in this mans heart, the man will know what real love is. And when he knows what real love is, our marriage will be able to be restored. So this for me is what standing for salvation is. That my great big God will reach out His hand and find this prodigal soul wandering on this earth and bring him back into his fold. And when that happens, He will then do the work necessary to create a new covenant marriage that is based on the Rock. And this for me is what standing for marriage is.

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He is moving

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I haven’t written in a while, but I need to update yall. Truthfully, I don’t even know what to say, except that God is incredibly strong and He is at work. I do see it!

Saturday was horrible and amazing all rolled into one. Chris was going to see the kids for the first time this whole summer. Since May 20. I was scared and worried about the kids. He wanted to take them to the amusement park in Denver and was going to drive down to pick them up (an hour between he and I) and take them all the way back to go, then bring them home afterwards. I really thought it was a ploy. Either he was going to come to the house and hang out for 6 hours or he was going to take them back up so they could meet his girlfriend. Either way was scary, because God has told me to “Remain in hiding”. I’m not supposed to see Chris at all right now.

I had a dream Friday night. In the dream, I drove up with my sister, a friend from high school, and two other friends that I couldn’t see their faces but I know they were friends. We all went into his apartment which overwhelmed him, because he wasn’t expecting all those people. He asked me to come out alone so he could show me something and I went. He started showing me the apartment building and we were walking through some café place when a woman called out to him and he said oh and went and gave her a hug. Another woman came behind him and hugged him and he hugged her back too. I mouthed across the room to him “is that Emily?” And he said yes and I ran. He called when I was on the elevator and said where am I? He and Emily are coming to see the kids. I said no absolutely not and ran to his room and loaded my kids and all the friends into the car to run away. While I was in the apartment though, I felt God telling me to let this go and let her meet them. I woke up from the dream.

I went to my prayer room and started praying. I asked God “she is going to have to meet them isn’t she?” and I got a verse in Proverbs 23:10 – 11, titled “Saying 11”

Do not move an ancient boundary stone

or encroach on the fields of the fatherless,

for their Defender is strong;

he will take up their case against you.

So I remembered that the boundary we set for our children was that we would not go out with a person of the opposite sex with our kids unless it was in a group setting. Not that my kids won’t meet her, but that it would be only on these terms. And I realized that I have been trying to protect my kids by moving the boundary stones out further to keep them protected better and that God was asking me to give this up and let God protect them. So I said okay. I will give up control and lay my kids on the alter and know that God is protecting them. I was scared, but I trust God and know he will protect them. Really, that is one of the hardest sacrifices God has asked me to make yet, and one of the quickest decisions of “yes!” that I have ever answered. He is building my trust in Him!

Christian got up then and I asked him does he want to go see his dad still today. He said he wants to go to the amusement park, but can they go next Saturday instead and I was so relieved. I felt like that was immediate confirmation of Gods protection.

I texted Chris to tell him he wants to go next weekend, not this weekend. Chris said okay he still wants to see the kids and he is coming down and will take them jumping at sky zone. I said okay to text when he is on the way. He texted then and said he knows I will say no, but he is going to ask anyways. He thinks I should come. I didn’t answer. I knew I wasn’t supposed to see him, so when he said he was close, I told him to get them from my parents house. He responded okay, but that I will get my child support money when he sees me. I told him no to just leave it with my parents and thank you for that. It helps me a lot. He was angry and said why would I do this to him? He doesn’t want to associate with my family and I am being childish. That I should be adult enough to make my own decisions. I so desperately wanted to tell him that this is my decision and I don’t want to see him, but God has been clear with me that I need to not even let Chris on at all to where I am emotionally or tell him anything of what is happening in my life, so I didn’t. I answered would he prefer my sister bring them to him and he answered no he wants me to meet him.

Then he said he was at my parents and where was I? My dad called and said Chris came to the door and he invited him in, but Chris said no he would wait in his car. Then he took off. I texted and told Chris I was on the way and Chris said to have whoever meet him at the grocery store down the street. He was mad.

I got them to my dad and my dad took them to meet Chris. Amazingly, Chris gave the money to my dad. My dad said he doesn’t hold anything against him and the family cares about him. He’s these kids dad and he should see them. Chris told him this is awkward.

I left my parents. I was going to see a movie, but my aunt called then and said my uncle just passed. I was a crying wreck. I can’t believe it still. I went back to my moms and my sister came over and we all cried together. When Chris arrived to bring them back, I asked my family to deal with him and they got the kids all together and brought them back in. My sister saved me cause I almost answered the door and she swooped in last minute to get it. He told her he would be back Monday. Never discussed that with me, but I didn’t even worry about it, because he lies and he was lying.

The whole day was a ploy for him to try to get what he wants. Started by being kind to manipulate, then angry, then sad, then cutting trying to cut down who I am, then kind again, then trying to plant fear. All of them were tactics and manipulations. None of them worked. I am proud of myself for being strong. I am grateful to God that He gave me the strength and protected me and the kids. And I am seeing God plague him as he said he would. Thank you God, because I know this is all part of God working.

I’ve seen so many more miracles throughout the week since Saturday. I was able to give some really hopeful words to my Aunt who lost her husband suddenly. God reconciled the relationship between me and my ex-sister in law which honestly I did not think was possible! My friends were blessed by encouraging words the Lord gave to me, my sister was strengthened by words the Lord gave me, tonight another friend who lives far from me was encouraged and strengthened. I can’t believe how much God has been doing. And none of it honestly seems to be with Chris, but that is okay. I know he is still drowning in his sin, but my life is not about him. God IS going to do what He promised to do. He WILL save Chris and restore our marriage someday, but right now, I have absolutely no doubts that He is creating the ministry out of me. Right now. In this moment.

Pray for me please. I am leading DivorceCare at my church this semester, starting September 4. I am very excited, but so sad for those who will be joining the class. Divorce is horrible. I can’t imagine something worse and I am still in the middle of this battle. God uses those of us though with the weapons forged through the trials of life, to lift up others going through the same fire. I know He was the one who orchestrated me being a leader in this class and because of that, He will use this for His glory. He is so good!

Love Will Come

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for sharing this! It is complete confirmation to me for where God has placed me in this place in my life! Soulmates meet for they have the same hiding place. AMEN!

Vistas of Hope

Dear Someone,

This letter is for you, you that is desperately seeking love and at the same time desperately avoiding it. You that is searching for a darker place to hide because you sometimes wish you were more than you are right now. You that’s finding it hard to love with a heart that’s hurting. You that’s hoping that you never have to say goodbye to the next person you fall in love with. You that’s desperately seeking for approvals and wherever it comes from. You that’s brutally broken and seeking for another chapter to your story. You that’s feeling hopelessly empty and lonely in that street of life that you have found yourself. This letter is for you!

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My Hiding Place

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This time was strange. It wasn’t like all the last times when God spoke. Usually when He speaks to me, He gives me a vision of something going on in my life, followed by confirmation of the step He is asking me to take. He begins confirming it in his word, through sermons, through my friends and family, in situations. I see clearly. Not only what He is doing, but where He is planning on going with this. I never realized how dependent I have been on Him speaking in precise and clear ways to me. I know I have great faith, but when God tells you this is the next step, then you take it and you see Him do what He said He would do. Well it’s amazing, but does it really qualify as faith when you follow a clear direction?

This time was different. This time He spoke differently. So I have been wrestling and full of doubt. But God is faithful, even when we doubt and I realize now that I am exactly where He wants me to be.

My ex called me in May and told me he couldn’t decide between me and his girlfriend. That he loves me and wants to be with me, but he feels he needs to be there for her, because she has no one else. This after him trying ever so hard to isolate me from my parents, my siblings, and my friends. He said his friend has told him that this is a difficult situation and someone is going to get hurt. But God had already prepared me for the rejection. He had given me a dream about it and I expected that it was coming. My answer was “I am a queen, Christ’s bride. I am a pineapple – not pineapple chunks. I am valuable and worth having a husband who sees me that way. Me and my kids. I won’t allow you to keep treating us this way. So go, be with her. I don’t want you like this.” He was shocked, but that is what I felt God has been doing. Building up my strength and making me realize my value.

Three days later, came Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” I can’t be a good mom. I can’t be a good leader in my church or my business. I can’t be a good daughter or sister if my heart is not guarded. And I have let a man full of wickedness into my heart for far too long. So I stepped out of the way and promised God that I would stop talking to him completely. It was weird, because usually God gives me the direction and then confirms it with a verse. This time, it was a verse first that I felt strong peace over.

I have been wrestling with it, because I feel that it is cruel. It is completely outside of my character to do anything that he would perceive as “harming him”. Truth be told, I am not harming him. I am protecting myself and my kids. He won’t see it that way. He doesn’t see it that way. A few days ago (several months since we have talked), he finally realized that we haven’t been talking. He called and I didn’t answer. It was the 3rd time he has called in 2 months. When I didn’t answer he texted “It’s not right”. I wanted to scream at him and shout across the rooftops. “NO IT’S DEFINITELY NOT RIGHT! It’s not right that you flew to Thailand to have ANOTHER affair. It’s not right that I spent 9 years trying to change myself so that you would love me more and not feel the need to chase other women. It’s not right that my kids have had to be exposed to your sin. It’s not right that when I started pursuing God, you told me I was going overboard. It’s not right that after 9 years and at least 15 affairs later, I finally got the nerve to file for divorce and you did nothing to fight for us. It’s not right that you pretended like you wanted to try to make things work and that as soon as I slept with you, you found yourself another woman AGAIN. It’s not right that when we made another attempt to repair our relationship after the divorce was final, that you decided you still wanted to live in sin with your girlfriend instead of coming home to your family. It’s not right that you continue to live in sin, but then expect us to be available at your beck and call, the moment you start to feel a little sad. It’s not right that you keep reaching into our lives, trying to pull us down, while you live the life you live. That isn’t right. What is right is that I’ve chosen to obey God, even though it pains me. I’ve chosen to stay out of His way, as He has called me for years to do. I have chosen to stop being the enabler of your wicked ways. I’ve chosen to let God put His hand on this situation and do what only He can do. And even though you and the world may perceive it as mean, God perceives it as right. He told me that my feelings can be hurt and I can be obedient, or I can enable you again by reaching out, but be disobedient. So even though I don’t understand what God is doing or why He has told me not to talk to you anymore, I am choosing to obey Him regardless. I don’t need to understand what God is doing. I just need to obey.”

I’m sure it’s needless to say that I didn’t say any of that. Instead I just closed the text and moved on with my day. But God gave me this amazing verse as confirmation.

Isaiah 8:11-15

“God spoke strongly to me, grabbed me with both hands and warned me not to go along with this people. He said:

Don’t be like this people,
    always afraid somebody is plotting against them.
Don’t fear what they fear.
    Don’t take on their worries.
If you’re going to worry,
    worry about The Holy. Fear God-of-the-Angel-Armies.
The Holy can be either a Hiding Place
    or a Boulder blocking your way,
The Rock standing in the willful way
    of both houses of Israel,
A barbed-wire Fence preventing trespass
    to the citizens of Jerusalem.
Many of them are going to run into that Rock
    and get their bones broken,
Get tangled up in that barbed wire
    and not get free of it.'”

 

God has put me and my kids in this Hiding Place. The word he continues to give me is “Remain”. He is our hiding place and for Chris, he is a Boulder blocking his way. Chris can not trespass on our land anymore. I spoke to my friend about this and she confirmed it for me too. I am an enabler. I always have been and Chris is very well aware of that. This is why this command is especially hard for me. Because my nature, my character, tells me to give him what he wants as an act of kindness and service, but the Lord is telling me right now to fight against my flesh nature and to obey Him, going against what I would naturally do. It is not to be unloving or unkind. It is to be obedient and stay out of Gods way. God has work to do and I keep standing in his way constantly. But Chris will run into this boulder and his bones will break. He will not be able to get back in to the city until he has found the Lord.

Proberbs 2:20-22

“Thus you will walk in the ways of the good and keep to the paths of the righteous.

For the upright will live in the land, and the blameless will remain in it;

but the wicked will be cut off from the land, and the unfaithful will be torn from it.”

 

I want to justify myself to his family and to him. That is the greatest struggle for me, but they should know me well enough at this point to know that if I am behaving in one way, it is not to be cruel, but because God has called me to do that. I don’t think they realize that. I am sure they believe I am being cruel. Still…that very in Isaiah, God has told me not to fear what they fear. Not to worry that they are plotting against me. So I am trying to give that back to God. He will make this right in His ways and His ways are always best.

The other night, God gave me an explanation of something I have experienced for a long time, but never understood. He showed me it in a way that makes complete sense. Every time the kids and I get around my ex, it’s as if I can not hear God anymore. Like there is a block between me and God and I have never understood it, because surely God is strong enough to break through a demonic barrier to speak to me if He wants to. But the picture He showed me was me and my kids standing in the light of Gods presence and glory. And Chris standing on the other side in the dark shadow of the demon. Whenever Chris calls to us and we come, we are walking out of God’s light and into the darkness towards Chris. We are welcoming the darkness into our lives. The reason I can’t hear the Lord or feel his presence is because we have wandered outside of Him. This is why God is calling me to REMAIN. Remain in the light. Remain in Him, my hiding place. When we remain here long enough, eventually God will speak to Chris’s heart and draw him into God’s presence, into the light. When he has done that, I will be able to continue to hear God’s voice and be in His presence and also Chris will be there with us too. We are not supposed to go to him in the darkness. He is supposed to come to us in God’s light. It was another confirmation that God has definitely called me to remain in hiding right now.

This is a struggle. It’s not easy. It’s much easier though than the divorce was. It’s much less a sacrifice then any I have made so far. God has promised me that the worst of it for me is over. The worst of it for Chris has just begun. He is beginning to drown in his sin. It is only a matter of time before God does what he promised to do. To reach down into the ocean of sin and take Chris by the hand; to break the chains off of him and pull his drowned body from the depths; to breathe his breath, the Holy Spirit, into him and revive him back to life in Christ; to disperse the sin around him and make a way for Chris to walk on dry land. God is going to do all of these things and I am certain of this.

Lord you are able and you can save through the fire with your mighty hand. I won’t even say even if you don’t, because I know what you have promised and I have full faith in what you have said. You can Lord and you want to, so I know that you will!

Isaiah 8:16-18

Gather up the testimony,
    preserve the teaching for my followers,
While I wait for God as long as he remains in hiding,
    while I wait and hope for him.
I stand my ground and hope,
    I and the children God gave me as signs to Israel,
Warning signs and hope signs from God-of-the-Angel-Armies,
    who makes his home in Mount Zion.

The Lord is my portion

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I am yours! That is who I am!

Last night, God gave me this amazing realization. I was thinking of Chris and how we used to be at night. When we would cuddle in the bed and how he felt against me, when he put his arms around me, or when he held my hand. It was always good and I loved it, but when I started to remember it, it was like I could feel him there with me and it was so empty!

I would feel him against me and then at some point I would have enough of that. I would hold his hand or his arm, but he would often withdraw. Often, I would hold his arm as a way of controlling him. I remember how soft his lips were and his smell. It was amazing, but then I look at You Lord. I remember your Spirit with me and what he gave me was nothing in comparison to you!

I remember when you moved in my soul. I remember and I realize I don’t need a husband to complete me. I want one, but I don’t need him to complete my testimony of joy. How can I be a bad testimony for the Lord when my story is victory and joy? Yes, I want my husband home and that is a desire, but I don’t need to be victorious in my marriage. I have victory with the Lord.

Lord, I know who I am. I am yours! That is who I am.

Proverbs 31:25 “She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future.”

She is clothed in strength and dignity. Why? Because she is the Lords! She laughs without fearing the future. How? Because she knows her future is Him! He is eternal. He never abandons her. He always loves her. She can’t drive him off! She is his queen and she knows it! Lord you love me! There is no wall you won’t kick down or lie you won’t tear down coming after me. You come after me fiercely like a lion and you love me ferociously. You pursue me, because you love me.

I have exactly what I want. I have a husband who loves me exactly as I am and that’s God. You adore me Lord! And while I want Chris home still, he is a shadow in comparison to what I have with you. Even when I get him back, he is never going to match up to you or give me what you give me. I’m so much better now then I was back then. I didn’t lose a thing when what I lost was empty and without you. Instead, I gained you! I gained the worlds most amazing! So anything more than You is just all these things added. When You give him back to me, that will just be an added blessing, but it won’t compare to what I already have with you. You are the one my soul loves.

It’s fine to want it, but I don’t need it. It is fine to want my husband and my marriage, but I don’t need it. I don’t need a motorbike. I don’t need a boat house. I don’t need a new job. I don’t need a new boyfriend. I don’t need a husband. I just want those things, but I have all I really want and need and I’m so full of joy! You have given me the desires of my heart, because the desire deep inside my heart is You! I love you Lord! I crazy amazing flipping love you. You are so insanely awesome!

And God, you are in the saving business, not me! His salvation is your business, so I’m stepping out of the way and I’m not going to worry about it anymore. You’ve got this. You promised me that you will someday rescue Chris from his sin and bring him back to you. You promised to restore our marriage and build a ministry. You’re going to do it in your time and your way and I don’t have to be your nagging wife anymore. I’m going to get out of the way and let you be God and I’m going to submit. You’ve said you will do it and I trust you and you always do what you say you’re going to do, so I’m going to stop bothering you about it and let you handle it!

I know these desires in my heart are where I bear your image Lord. I long for the desires you have given me, because they are your longing desires too. You want to restore your son to you. You want to restore our marriage. You want to make a ministry in us. Those desires are not something for me to be ashamed of, even here in the middle of the trial, because they are the places that you will show your glory.

Psalm 138:5 “May they sing of the ways of the Lord, for the glory of the Lord is great.”

Lord, you truly have set the boundary lines in pleasant places. You have put me and my kids in the crag of this rock and covered over the entrance with your hand. You are not just our comforter, but our protection too. This crag is beautiful and when my mind wanders to things of this earth, that is when I feel the oppression, but when I fix my eyes on you, I feel such peace and confidence. I’m not afraid. You are protecting us! Lord, you are so good!

I have been so afraid. Like a dog tied to a chair running through the streets, the fear has been chasing me, but you call me to be still. If I do, the loud clanging sounds die out and the chair, instead of being something terrifying that is chasing me, becomes a chair. It’s nothing to be afraid of. I have been scared of Chris coming back from his deployment. I have been scared of having to face him again, but I know the enemy is attacking me there. The devil would like me to stop being still and instead reach out and try to take control again. But Lord, you’ve called me again and again to be still and know that You are God! My sister confirmed this to me too and I am so grateful for that. She told me to be still, to not reach out to my ex, to stand my ground and stay out of God’s way. Be still and give God the space to do his work. The Lord will vindicate me and make this right.

Lord, you love me, you love the kids, and you love Chris and you always will. This is why you are in hot pursuit of Chris, but also even more then that, why you are in hot pursuit of me and my kids. You love us! You will not abandon the work you have done. Even when it is finished, you will protect it. God you are so amazingly good.

I have stepped forward, away from the canyon. Away from Chris, husband, ex husband, sin, shame, guilt, fear. I am walking quickly with joy, forward. Leaping forward!

Romans 16:20 “The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you.”

You give peace and soon, you will defeat Satan and give me power over him. You will give Chris power over him. You will restore our family and give my children power over him. Soon.

Lord, thank you. My portion is you and the boundary lines have certainly fallen in pleasant places!

God can and He wants to so He will.

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Lord, somehow you are going to overwhelm Chris. He will wake up and realize he has hit rock bottom and there is no where else to go. And then you will go to him and tell him that you love him and this isn’t the life he is supposed to have.

Zaccheus made the best of his situation, but it was not a good life and when you came and spoke to him, he realized it wasn’t the life he wanted. Chris will be the same. He has made the best of his situation, but it is not a good life and when you speak to him, he will see that this isn’t the life he wants and will change.

He fell. I saw him fall and I didn’t turn away until he was close to the water, but you turned me away. You took me in your arms and he has hit the water now. He is drowning in his sin now. I am sure of it, though I will not watch it.

He is in the water and it will be soon. Soon Lord. Soon he will start to drown. Soon he will see you standing over him. Soon he will reach up toward you. Soon you will drag him out of the water. Soon you will break the chains of addiction from him. Soon you will breathe your life into him. Soon he will be filled with your Spirit. Soon you will help him to stand on the water. Soon you will disperse the sin all away from him. Soon you will help him to continue this journey on dry ground. Soon he will pick up his armor on the way. Soon he will reach the promised land. Soon he will search for me and our kids. Soon you will restore our family. It will all happen soon and much faster then I am expecting.

I know it will happen. It’s not a matter of will it happen. It will. There is no doubt because you have made me a promise. I have seen so much happen already. More then half of the vision has already happened. So I know with no doubt that it will happen and the only thing you have called me to do is have faith in your plans, to trust you, to pray for him, to stand out of your way and be still, to stand my ground there, to follow after you. That’s what you need from me. My active obedience of pursuing you.

Lord, thank you! What an easy and enjoyable task you have given me. God, do what you’ve promised to do. Whatever you have to do, rescue Chris! Bring my husband home. Bring Christian and Naomi’s dad home. Bring him home changed – filled with your Spirit, in love and on fire for you and let that burning love for you last for all of his life and all of my life and all of our childrens lives. Let it be an inheritance passed on in the generations. Let it be a legacy spread out like wildfire to everyone around us. Let us be a ministry for you. Let our story light your fire in others hearts.

My own personal breakthrough

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God had this amazing breakthrough with me this morning and I am determined to press on and move forward.

I told you about the latest vision in the last post, but I will give a recap. This vision was especially personal to me, because it was very clearly about me and not so much about Chris and I.

The picture was a chasm that had ripped through the desert ground, causing a canyon to form between Chris and I. As I am looking back at the way I came from along the edge of the canyon, I can see ropes hanging across the canyon. Some are secure, but have been cut. Some are lying in coils on rock ledges below in the canyon. Some are on his side of the canyon also, cut or frayed. He had tried several times to come across the canyon to my side, but he had quit immediately and cut the rope or let it just fall into the canyon. The last rope, I cut and let fall. We both wanted to find a way for him to get across, but there is no way. As I look along the canyon on my side, out in the distance, I see the cross. I know which direction we are supposed to be going. I can see the canyon curving to the east towards Chris’s direction but it’s far in the distance. If he travels along the edge of the canyon, he will eventually get hedged in and have to keep traveling east for a long time to get around the edge where his side of the canyon rejoins mine. It is clear to me though that he has no interest at this point in coming back. He wants to go wander in the desert instead. The hopeful part about that is that wandering in the desert, he will likely find the place where the land joins back to itself much faster than if he just followed the canyon. It tells me that all I have been doing, trying to have him cross on ropes, crying out to him to follow me on his side of the canyon, it has all been wasting time. Letting him suffer the elements in the desert is going to get him to where God needs him much faster than anything I have tried to do. I have to give up control. And as I’m looking out towards the cross which is on my side of this canyon, I hear God calling me in a warm wind to follow him. So I stand and I walk. I move forward. Chris us been standing there watching me. Sometimes calling to me. Sometimes wandering away. Always trying to make sure I am close enough for him to keep me trapped, but I can not stay anymore. God has called me forward. He has better for my life. He has plans for this season.

Philippians 3:13-14
13Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
He gave me this thought about Chris as two separate people. The man he currently is and the man he will become. The man he currently is is in the past, waiting by the edge of the cliff or wandering aimlessly in the desert. He is behind me and I need to forget what is behind. I need to strain towards what is ahead. My Lord and also the man that Chris will become and God reminded me that I will not be the one to change this mans heart. That’s God’s role and only God can change a heart so pressing towards the man when he is still the way he is is pursuing what is behind. Gods called me to move towards what is ahead. Which makes my focus more about following Christ with everything in me and becoming the woman of God that He designed me to be. Someday I will be the woman that the future Chris needs and wants. I’ll never be that for him now just like I wasn’t in the past. It’s time to get up and move forward.

God will make Chris into a man that loves and desires me and needs me but He is busy working on me too and I don’t believe that I am just good enough. God always has something to teach us and He always wants us to move forward.

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Broken Together

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I haven’t had the will to get up and write for over a week. I’m finally pulling myself together to do it. It’s been a rough week.

We had counseling scheduled last week on Monday for noon and Chris texted that day to ask if I would go shooting with him. I was planning on being out for the counseling session already so I said yes, to let me know the time. He asked how about noon and I said we can’t. That’s when the counselor is scheduled. He said he needed to talk to me about that and he would talk to me in person.

I already knew what that meant. Chris does his break ups in person. I prepared my heart. He called me later.

We talked and he told me that Emily has stage 3 cancer and really needs him right now. That he knows we were going to try to reconcile, but he needs to be there for her. I asked would he want us both together to be there for her and he said she really just wants to spend one on one time with him.

I am not stupid okay y’all? She is his scapegoat. I know the truth is he isn’t ready to give up his addiction. He left today for a deployment and he plans to sleep around with whoever he can find while he is there. Emily tolerates being his sex buddy and not his girlfriend. I won’t even agree to sex until marriage. And sex is a driving factor for him. He is an addict.

He said he spoke to a friend and the friend told him it was a tough place he is in. Someone is going to get hurt. I stopped him.

I told him no. I am going to make this easy on him. I am a queen. I am the daughter of God, beloved, bride of Christ and I will only be with a man who sees my value and treats me as a valuable person because that is who God says I am. He is not God and he will not tell me my worth. That being said, “I don’t want you.”

He was shocked. “Are you serious?” And I told him yes, I’m dead serious. I hung up.

I spoke to the counselor afterwards and he did an assessment. He concluded that I am an intimacy aneroxic. I withhold intimacy, but he was convinced that it was a learned defense mechanism. It is something I can overcome with Gods help.

Then he did his assessment of Chris (keeping in mind that it was my answers for him, but still, the counselor told me things about Chris that are completely true of him, so I believe the results). He is an intimacy aneroxic, he is a sex addict, he is codependent, and he is a narcissist. He sounded hopeless.

I told the counselor about God’s promise to me of marriage restoration. I asked him what his opinion of all that was. And he told me honestly. There is no hope for Chris. He said if it was one or two issues he might say there was hope, but to have all of these problems. There really is no hope.

And then God reminded me of something He had told me years ago. “Where there is no way, I will make the way.” And I remembered the sermon from the day before. It was about not quitting when things seem impossible. We serve the God of impossible.

God, there is no way. This man is so far gone and he permeates evil. He is so selfish. There is no way for any human to help this man. God, only you can do this work.

God reconfirmed his promise to me on Friday. At worship, we sang that song. “Where there is no way, you make a way. Where no one else can reach us, you find us.” I have not been able to reach this man. Only God can find him.

I ended things on bad terms. I called him the next day when he didn’t show up for our sons kindergarten graduation. I told him I was disappearing and he wouldn’t hear from us again. I sent him an email on Saturday (what would have been our 7 year anniversary) to tell him that I was sorry that we couldn’t make things work and I hope he finds what he wants in his life. That was the end. The week before all of this, he was in my home, enjoying being our family again. He wanted us so badly. He was singing broken together and he told me it was our song. In the email, I told him that I wish we could have been broken together. I wish so badly that we could have made it work, but we broke it. And I am sorry about that. I really hope he finds what he is looking for in life. Truthfully, I know what he needs is God and I really do hope that he finds Him.

He has texted since then. Trying to put out his net to see if he will catch me, but me and the kids are going to disappear. I haven’t been able to protect them or myself when he is in the picture. He continues to hurt us again and again. Not just me, but the kids too. He doesn’t care about anyone except himself and I can’t keep letting him have control in our lives. So I’m walking away. God your will be done in his life. Your will be done in our lives.

I haven’t given up on the promise. I’m just realizing that often my eyes have been fixed on the promise instead of the One who made His promise. I am giving up control. I am supposed to be walking towards God, not towards His promises. Not towards Chris. Towards and with Christ. God, help me remember. Where there is no way, You will make the way.

He gave me a picture of this large canyon that ripped through the middle of the wilderness, dividing Chris and I on each side. I’ve been throwing out ropes, trying to get Chris to walk across. The Lord and His cross and salvation is on my side. I wanted to save him, but there are no short cuts. There were times when Chris actually tried to cross, but couldn’t make it. There were times when he just cut the rope and quit. This time, I cut the rope. There are no shortcuts. The only way around this canyon is to walk forward. I am walking away from the canyon. I am walking towards Christ. In the distance, I can see that the canyon curves and Chris will need to walk through the wilderness to get to the other side where he can come around the rip in the land to reach God. He has to do this on his own and he will suffer for a long time in the wilderness. I can’t save him and I can’t keep wasting time trying to tell him where to go. I have to let him go away and trust that God is there with him and will guide him. And it will take him a long time. This won’t fix soon.

God help me. Keep my eyes on you. You are my shield and my salvation. My kids shield and salvation. We have to move towards you, no matter what is happening with him and trust that You are with him and have the plan in place.

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